On May 2, 2009, I married David. It was a stormy day in the mountains of North Georgia, but the rain cleared just before the ceremony. The lake was our back drop and the mountains surrounded us. As I walked down the path to the ceremony site, arm and arm with my dad, I remember locking eyes with David for the first time. I can still feel the wave of certainty and joy that rushed over me. This was so right.
Unfortunately for me, any wave of intense emotion brings me to tears and I wasn’t able to get through our vows without my voice shaking and cracking multiple times and I tried to keep tears from ruining my makeup. And can I just mention that I’m not a cute crier?
Somehow we got through it, laughing through my ridiculous tears, sealed it with a kiss and began our life together.
Since then, we’ve sold our city house and moved to the suburbs. We’ve grown our family. We said goodbye to our sweet Koda. We started homeschooling. We’ve started side businesses and seen some thrive while abandoning others. We’ve traveled to some really beautiful places.
Through it all, we’ve only grown closer. Not to say it’s all been a smooth ride, it never is when kids and life circumstances shake up your world and roles. But I can honestly say that I love him more today than I did 10 years ago… and I was head over heels when I said I do!
My marriage is unique. So is yours. So take this advice and do what you will with it. Heed it, live it, or toss what doesn’t work for you aside. God willing, we will have many, many more years of learning ahead of us. But for now, these are 10 truths I’ve learned about marriage through these past 10 years and truths that I absolutely stand by.
- Understand that your spouse is going to grow and change. So are you. Sometimes these changes are wonderful and additive to the relationship, and sometimes they can feel threatening. Click here for more insight on what to do if you are having a tough time with a particular change.
- Date nights are not luxuries; they are essential. If you want your marriage to remain strong, you have to make it a priority. Even if the kids have soccer practice (talking to myself here). Even if you don’t have extra money (swapping with a friend and going on a hike costs nothing). Getting out of the house and spending quality time together breathes life into a relationship.
- Don’t keep score. Oh my gosh, it’s tempting isn’t it? But stop yourself. No good comes from keeping score. And it most likely won’t ever be balanced. There is a natural ebb and flow and sometimes one partner is “doing more” than the other and then it will swing back the other way. I’ve found that just as long as both partners are showing up to the best of their ability on any given day, then things work out just fine. And on that same note, never stop appreciating each other. It’s so easy to start to take each other for granted and a simple thank you goes a long way.
- Tell him what you want. We have to understand that our husbands aren’t mind readers. It took me a long time (too long!) to get over myself in this department. I kept wanting him to just know what I wanted for Mother’s Day or where I wanted to eat. But I’ve learned that life is happier for everyone if I just speak up about it clearly ahead of time.
- Have sex. Schedule it. Buy a new outfit. Put the kids to bed early. Whatever it takes. It really is that important.
- Don’t try to solve problems when you’re tired. It’s OK to ask for a delay of game (er… discussion) and sleep on it. Breakfast dates are my favorite because it’s when I’m the most fresh.
- Laugh. As often as you can. About everything. Send memes. Have inside jokes. Play together.
- Don’t criticize each other. Not to him. Not to your friends. There are plenty of ways to discuss different view points or hurdles we’re facing together without bashing each other. Using the popular “I feel” language is so helpful in these scenarios. With closeness and vulnerability comes the knowledge of each others’ sensitivities. It’s so important to never use that knowledge as a weapon.
- Don’t expect your husband to fulfill you. I’ve had times where I have felt unusually frustrated with David and it’s usually when I am feeling restless or unfulfilled personally. I found having my own passions and interests are vital. We have to make ourselves happy. It’s too much responsibility to put on our spouses.
- Get on the same page. Preferably about the big things (kids, finances, etc) before marriage, but when new issues arise, find time to sit down and hash it out. Sweeping school decisions, retirement plans, or discussions about what you want out of life under the rug will come back to bite you. After all, communication really is key!
*Bonus*
Listen to those further down the path than you. I’m so grateful I’m so close with my mom and dad because marriage advice doesn’t get any better than from someone that’s built a life together for over 40 years with plenty of ups and downs along the way. I have learned a lot in 10 years of my own marriage, but I’m not naive enough to think I know it all.
But I have learned enough along the way to get us here (taken by our 7 year old on our family date night out to celebrate our anniversary last week):
And for that, I am so grateful.
Do I always get it right? Heck no. And though he might not like to admit it, neither does he. But the secret to our success is that we continuously choose us. We choose to turn towards each other, not away. We choose to work on things, keep communication open, and strive to see what we can do better to build a stronger marriage and happier life.
Tell me:
What is the one tip that has helped to keeping your marriage strong?
You may also like:
John J. Stathas says
You have learned a lot! These ten tips are important and you do your many readers a favor by sharing them. Thanks for the mention of our 40 plus years of marriage. We’ve had a wonderful marriage and it is most comforting as a parent to see your children having a good marriage. Thanks Brittany for having a good marriage and for sharing some of your wisdom regarding it.
Liz says
Loved this post! My husband and I also just celebrated 10 years of marriage (at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, taking a break from real life and our kiddos, wahoo!) so this post really resonates with me. I agree with all of your tips! One thing that has always worked for us is probably something most recommended – never go to bed angry. We rarely fight, but when we do the fights tend to be intense. Talking things out before bed makes me feel SO much better. We need to work on making date night a priority. Other than grandparents, we’ve only hired a babysitter one time in the six plus years of being parents, oops! I really want to make it a more regular thing.
Brittany Dixon says
Congratulations on a decade of marriage; it sounds like y’all celebrated it well!
If I had regular access to grandparents, I’d prefer them, too. How wonderful! But true, an extra sitter on the side never hurts 😉
Laura says
Great list! My in-laws (who started dating at age 15 and just celebrated their 80th birthdays!!) had a few pieces of advice when my husband and I got married that have served us well:
1. Sometimes it’s best to go to bed angry. A good night’s rest can make whatever the issue is seem like not such a big deal, and you’ll be in a better state of mind to discuss and get to a resolution.
2. Marriage is almost never 50/50. Most of the time it will ebb and flow in the 60/40 range, but there will be times or seasons in life when it might even be 90/10 and one person just has to handle everything. They also said to make a conscious effort to make these 90/10 seasons the times that bring you even closer, versus the 90 person feeling resentful and/or the 10 person feeling guilty and driving a wedge in the relationship.
Congratulations to your parents on such a long and loving marriage, too!
3. You don’t have to love doing all the same things, and it’s good to maintain your own friends (that aren’t “couple friends”) and hobbies, etc.
Brittany Dixon says
What a great list of advice from your in-laws! It really means so much when it comes from people that have lived it for so long. That’s incredible. Thank you for your input! <3
Laura says
Somehow my comment re-arranged itself! The “Congratulations” note was at the end…. not after advice #2!
Sorry for the weird way it reads — haha!
Michelle says
Great list! I can’t emphasize #1 enough. My husband and I will celebrate 13 years of marriage this summer. Although deep down we’re still the same kids in love, are we the same people overall? No! It’s impossible to spend 13 years on this planet and NOT change/grow/evolve. The strength of our marriage lies in the fact that we’ve been willing to change/grow/evolve together as a couple and we’ve been willing to support one another in our separate personal endeavors.
I think it’s paramount for young couples (engaged or soon-to-be) to ask themselves if they’re ready to change with (and alongside) their partner. Are they up to the challenge of continuing to love someone despite changes in address; finances; job priorities; family demands; etc.? I feel as though many young couples jump into marriage because their love and their lives are good at that very moment. It’s impossible to predict how difficult life may become, but in the end, would you still choose your partner to experience it all with you? That’s an important question!
As always, thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh Michelle, yes, that is SO good. It’s so hard (impossible) to envision the changes that will come over a long period, which makes it that much more vital to know a person’s values and heart. Like you said, we are all going to change and grow (well, I hope we do!), and making the choice to evolve with your partner is what will help us all make it for the long haul. Thanks for your comment!
Heidi says
My parents always mentioned the first on your list to us. They got married at 18, and at 66 and 67 are still married. Crazy to think of marriage at 18 these days, but they always have said that they grew and changed together. I think that for my husband and I, one of the biggest things is taking the time to have fun together. We need to do the things together that made us want to be together in the first place. It’s easy to put your relationship second with young kids (we have four little boys, and are in the thick of toddler stage), but making a priority of still doing fun things together is so key. We have the high school girls on our street babysit for a couple of hours on the weekend so we can have short day dates. (Going to play tennis, grab a smoothie, etc) It makes a big difference in our happiness! One other thing I try to do, which relates to your point of not keeping score, is try to put things in perspective and see the bigger picture. When I’m frustrated because he’s working late again and I’m on my own for dinner and bedtime, I try to remind myself that it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things. (What matters is that he works very hard at his job for our family and is an excellent dad and husband.) Remembering to appreciate each other is huge!
Megan says
I love this list, thank you for sharing! I am getting married in October and love to read advice from those with happy and healthy marriages. Happy Anniversary!