This pregnancy is different from how I remember last time being. There are physical differences: belly getting bigger more quickly, skin breaking out, more nausea etc, but I really feel the emotional side has been much more intense than last time.
I find myself able to cry at the drop of a hat, then I get overly excited for what’s to come, then I feel anxious with no explanation. I’m on a constant rollercoaster. I used to be a much more emotional person in high school and college, but with age and marriage (David keeps me stable ;)), I’ve been much more balanced and rational, so these ups and downs are tough to deal with sometimes.
I literally cried last night over hummus and carrots in the kitchen at 10pm because I hadn’t gotten our Elf out yet and felt like a lame mom.
To give you more of an example, all of these thoughts go through my head in about a 10 minute time span…
How am I ever going to handle two kids?
I think I want four kids.
Am I being a good wife? Does David know he comes first?
Did I pick up the cards to mail out?
Shoot- dry cleaning has been ready for over a week.
Why is my house a constant mess when I feel like I’m always cleaning?
How is the laundry basket overflowing again?
Poor Koda needs more attention.
Dang it dog, please let me go to the bathroom by myself!
Oh, that candle makes me happy. I think I’ll put on Christmas music and dance.
Why is Christmas coming so fast?!
21 days isn’t long enough to celebrate. I haven’t even gotten the Elf out yet (cue tears).
What Christmas gifts do I have left to get?
Shoot, I need to make another trip to Target? I think I’ll skip looking at the credit card statement this month.
Ugh, this gut is ridiculous and doesn’t fit in my jeans. Oh wait, I’m pregnant.
Did I just forget that I’m pregnant?
Only a terrible mom forgets that she’s pregnant. I hope baby girl knows how excited I am to meet her.
aww…sisters! (heart explodes with joy)
Wait, am I really ready to have my boobs exploding with milk again?
Sure, I can’t wait to breastfeed again.
Oh wait, cracked nipples. Ouch.
Can I say nipples on my blog?
What am I even blogging about?
Am I defining my blog or is my blog defining me?
Should I post more recipes? People seem to like those.
Gosh I’m hungry again. I’m always hungry.
I haven’t written about Hailey in a while. I should do an update!
…or does that make me too much of a mommy blogger?
Should I just transition to all mommy blogging?
…but I love food and health too much. Should I stop writing about mommy stuff? Hmm..
Do I actually fit in to any blogging genre? Should I try to?
Ahhh why do I care?!
Why am I blogging anyway?
Should I quit?
Then what would I do?
Maybe I’d be a better mom. Maybe I could teach Hailey Spanish.
I guess I’d have to learn Spanish, too.
Hailey can count to 10 by herself! …wait, should she be counting higher? She knows her colors! …what else is she supposed to know by now? I am doing a good job of helping her learn?
Shoot, I still have to put her big girl room together that is currently littered with a mixture of Christmas decorations and fall decorations with missing dry wall.
I have so much to do!
I want to do nothing. Maybe I’ll watch Love Actually and have a good cry.
Where is David?
Gosh, his job’s schedule drives me freaking crazy.
Gosh, I’m so fortunate he’s so hard working and takes great care of us. I’ll pick him up a fancy beer.
I really should try to look more like a woman and less like a sloppy mom too.
…but who has time to dry this crazy hair? Not me.
Wow, I’m so self-centered and frivolous.
Remember how much I have to be grateful for.
So are grateful people not allowed to feel stressed?
Should I blog about this?
No, I’d sound like a nut. Besides, I need to talk about fitness. It’s been a while…
But first, I seriously have to tackle my emails.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Just writing it all out confirms I’m indeed a crazy person and pretty whiny in my internal dialog lately. In fact, I’m debating on whether to even hit publish or not because this stream of consciousness has no point. It just shows my brain and emotions are on overdrive. I know all these thoughts are self-focused and I’d do much better to not think less of myself, but just to think about myself less. However, it’s my current state of (in)sanity and somehow just writing it all out makes me feel better.
I guess I’m just looking to get it all of my chest and perhaps I’m looking for a little confirmation that I’m not alone? ::crickets::
Do you have days where your mind runs wild with worry, joy, self-doubt and excitement all at once?
On that note, I think I’ll give yoga a try today. Hopefully it will heal my crazy.