Emotions in the Interim
I’ve heard it advised to not share emotional processing publicly in real time. I’ve heard that it is best to process first and share the experience after you’ve gained perspective. I can see the benefits of that because real time processing is messy and a bit discombobulated. However, I regret not writing more about some of the hardest things I’ve been through in real time, like losing my dad, because I think it can be helpful to reflect back on those seasons and remember for empathy’s sake just how hard those messy middles can be, and the growth that stemmed from them.
I’m not equating the stress I’m feeling now to the hell of losing a parent at all. But I do feel like I’m in a messy middle ground right now and feeling all the mixed emotions. I’ve always heard moving is hard, but as largely a first timer, I’m finding that to be incredibly true, especially with the addition of a few compounding factors.
I think I’m struggling with admitting it feels hard right now is because you could argue that we have one of the best case scenarios. We have moved in with my mom who is truly one of my best friends. There is no drama here at all and she has so warmly and graciously welcomed us in with open arms and insisted we make ourselves completely at home. And she means it. Our homeschool stuff lives on her kitchen table. I find our shoes scattered all over the house. And I’ve fully made myself at home, taking over her kitchen. And she not only hasn’t complained about a single thing, she’s lovingly embraced it all and is sincerely glad we are here. I don’t know how she does what she does. She’s truly a special breed of woman.
Additionally, we’ve been the benefactors of extended summer living, with jet skis at our disposal and time for lake play, game playing, and movie watching. We’ve lucked out with extra time spent with family and the ability to experience truly non-rushed day to day living.
And yet…
It is hard not to feel like we’re pacing in the interim.
Perhaps it’s because the initial plan was to be doing some bigger travel in this in-between time as a family of four, but instead, David took a new job that has him traveling every week (at least for the time being). Perhaps it’s because we’re entering our favorite season and many of our traditions and decor are boxed up in storage. Perhaps it’s that suddenly everything we knew in our routine is gone, from our piano teacher to our evening rhythms. Perhaps it’s because I have mom guilt that the kids currently have no friends to go run and play with or personal interests to explore beyond the home, like soccer, piano lessons, or gymnastics. Perhaps it’s because I’m human and wonder about things like making the right choices.
Or perhaps it’s mostly because for the larger part of the year, we’ve been unsettled as a family. From the time we broke ground on the new build right before the new year, we’ve had an underlying current of change in process. We finished up sport seasons and co-op classes. We lived through a four month kitchen and bathroom renovation process, a moving out, and a staging and showing process of our home. We lived through last hang outs with friends and telling our home of 14 years goodbye. And instead of being able to channel that energy into making a new place our home, forging new connections, and exploring our new town, we are left hanging out in a season of unknown.
I’m doing my best to appreciate this time for what it is.
How many people get the experience of three generational living (in a harmonious manner) under the same roof with so many luxuries at their disposal? Additionally we’ve had seasons where we’ve overscheduled ourselves with practices and commitments; what a gift it is now to get to experience the opposite of that with the gift of time. I see these things; I really do.
And yet, I feel a deep yearning to make a house our home. I feel unsettled. I ache to give my kids the opportunities and connections I want them to have at these ages. I worry if I’m making good choices. I miss having David around more regularly. And I feel that by sharing all this I’ll be labeled as dramatic and ungrateful. But here I am anyway, sharing the messy middle with the hope that for every joy shared in the future, I’ll remember that there was a long season of feeling unsettled. And that for me, it was challenging.
Have you ever felt this kind of in-between/unsettled feeling? Tips?
Dawn Jackson says
You explained your feelings so well! It makes perfect sense to be feeling this way. It’s a wonderful time and a hard time.
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you, Dawn! I know it’s possible for two things to be true at the same time, but sometimes it helps to hear someone remind me of it <3
Brynn says
As a person who struggles with transition, I get this deeply. There’s a lot going on (it’s not just a move!) and I’ve realized how important it is to recognize all of the layers, not just the surface. From your home of 14 years to a new routine for your family and job, there’s so much. You’ll be on the other side soon, settling into your new home, but this middle is a lot. I appreciate you sharing the honest experience.
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It truly brings tears to my eyes to feel validated and supported by your words. <3
Amber says
Sending you hugs and reassurance that you are not dramatic and ungrateful as you feared being labeled. You are a real mom and wife and with real feelings and you are so wise to share them and allow yourself to live in the current moment. I’ve followed you for many years and I remember occasionally reading your dad’s words and blogs. Your writing reminds me of what I remember from his words- allow yourself to feel, to process, and to take your findings into the next stage of life as growth. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Your last sentence sounds like a message right from him <3
Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement; the support means so much!
Ashley Fox says
It takes time to rebuild your life. You did it once before. You will do it again. Change can be a really weird feeling, even when it is a small change and you are going through many big changes at once.
PS. your mom sounds awesome. I wish I was more like her. haha
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks, Ashley! In many ways I wish I was more like my mom, too 🙂
Monica says
I feel this post! I feel and question those same things more often than I should, maybe?? I always wonder if I’m doing “the right thing.” Who knows what that is! I loved building our house, but even still feel like I’m trying to make it a home!
Brittany Dixon says
I remember mom saying it took a while to make her new house feel like home when she and dad moved years ago because all our family memories had been in the old house. Sometimes it’s just nice to know it takes a little time. And I love what you said- who even knows what the right thing is? The best we can do is to pick what we believe is a good path forward and go 🙂
Sarah says
You feel discombobulated! You have left what is familiar behind and don’t yet know what your “real life” will be. That’s all very valid! Have definitely been there. Maybe it would help to reframe this time of transition as “summer 2.0” or something along those lines so you don’t get it confused with the new life you’re starting. Maybe if you were able to distinctively title it like a sabbatical or 12 week interim or something, and come up with a few goals/intentions for your time (ex: help David transition to his new job; enjoy time with Mom), it might help. But no—all valid. Not dramatic. Very real.
Brittany Dixon says
I. Love. This. Sarah. I read your comment yesterday and talked about it with my mom. I love the switch of perspective because you’re right, I’ve been trying to do normal life here in a time when we aren’t in a season of normal. Right now I’m shifting my perspective to an 8 week interim, being that we will hopefully be moving in at the end of October. Sure there will still be a lot of settling in to do at that point, but viewing these next several weeks as their own special time will definitely help with my perspective. Thank you so much!
Sarah says
Of course! I’m so glad it was helpful. You’ve got this!
Raleigh says
We’ve had to do this twice with children at ages 2 and 7, both times required 3-5 months in temporary housing. It is hard, no doubt about it. We are staring it down again to move out for a renovation. I’m dreading aspects of it. I try to remind myself that these sacrifices are necessary to get where we want to go, but it’s hard if your home is a source of stability and it does not provide that for a period of time. It seems normal for you to crave all you have described.
Brittany Dixon says
You bring up such a good point- a necessary sacrifice to get to where we want to go. Comfort is the enemy of progress and it’s nice to be reminded that we chose this for a reason. If you move forward with moving out again, I hope your renovation goes quickly and smoothly!
Laura says
Military spouse here who just settled in our new house after 1 month+ of staying in an AirBNB, 6 different hotels, and 2 weeks with my parents. We still don’t have most of our furniture (coming from an overseas move), but just being in a space that is ours has helped my mental health tremendously. The unsettled in between is an uncomfortable place to be! It’s also really difficult to reconcile being sad about the place you left but excited about the place you’re going to at the same time. You’re not being dramatic or ungrateful, you’re being human.
Brittany Dixon says
I’m so glad you are finally in your own space; that is a lot of bouncing around and feeling unsettled. I hope you love your new home and thank both you and your husband for your service to our country; I understand that is a whole family commitment <3
Becky S says
I can relate so much! I went through a divorce last year. The kids and I moved out of our home (ages 14, 10, 9). I have 95% custody. I was mostly a stay-at-home mom. At 42, I am having to ‘reinvent’ myself. While we are finally feeling settled in our new place. I am at the point in my life where I know I don’t want more kids (I feel too old and don’t want to start that over again). I want to date, but what I am looking for? Do I want to get married again? I know eventually my kids will be grown and move out, do I want to be alone? What do I want to do for a career? For now, I work in the school district because with the ages of my kids, it eases a lot of stress with having the same schedule…but is that what I want to do forever? It’s a time of big transitions, but what helps me is being grateful for all I have and all the things that have worked out. My life is not what I pictured, but maybe it is even better;-)
Brittany Dixon says
That’s a lot of changes in a year, Becky <3 I am so inspired your introspection, gratitude, and positive outlook. You're amazing! Thank you so much for sharing.
Angela says
Your feelings are valid and you should never feel guilty about sharing them. Unless someone has been where you are now, they cannot judge those feelings.
I believe you will look back on this time at some point though and cherish the closeness and time spent with your Mom.
And she is going to miss ya’ll when you’re gone!
Mom guilt is a terrible thing that I struggle with too.
Thank you for sharing.
Ya’ll are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Brittany Dixon says
Such a good point; I absolutely know this time spent here together is such a gift. I’m grateful we are so close and get along so well. Routine will come along at some point and until then I’ll try to embrace the adventure. Thanks, Angela!
Lindsey says
Thank you so much for sharing. I too am knee deep in change with us selling our home
Last month, and in a short term rental while we build our house. My kids see it as an adventure so I’ve tried to adapt the same mindset, although not easy and I still have moments like you do. Admittedly I’m
Not the best with change but keep reminding myself that it’s only temporary. Glad to know I’m not the only one though 🩷🩷🩷🩷
Brittany Dixon says
Honestly it feels good just knowing I’m not the only one; thank you. May we both reflect back on this time as an adventure while we enjoy our new homes- congratulations! <3
Linda says
We moved from Louisiana to Georgia in 1988, leaving all family behind. Two children, 4 and 10, and we didn’t know anyone. I know what you are going through. Just remember, the best is yet to come!
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks so much for the encouragement, Linda <3
Jennifer says
Thanks for this post, selfishly it made me feel better. We are about to move out of state with our daughters. A change of career for my husband as well. I’m a homebody that thought she could go with the flow. Turns out I don’t embrace change very well. I keep reminding myself that this is a big life change, so big feelings are normal.
Brittany Dixon says
Apparently I don’t go with the flow as much as I thought I could either 🙂 Yes big feelings are normal for sure, as is the ability to feel two things at once. Sending you a big virtual hug and the best of luck; you’ve got this <3
Meg says
Thank you for keeping it real, Brittany. It helps so much to see the flipside of what looks so glamorous and amazing. I can imagine how unsettled you feel, and even though it will be worth it in the end, it’s its own kind of hard. Thank you for being real and for sharing this. These are my favorite kinds of posts to see.
Brittany Dixon says
Thanks so much for your comment! It’s always a little scary putting more vulnerable posts out there and this is encouraging for me to keep it up. Thank you for your kindness!
Cassie says
It is also so hard for me not to be growing roots. My husband was active duty military for 5 years and oh boy did I struggle with not being able to consciously grow roots as we moved every year ish. I remember lots of good stuff too of course. But my soul is so much easier in my current long term home and all our stuff! I also just don’t get overwhelmed nearly as much now… there’s just such comfort. We all thrive in different seasons.
Lots of loving kindness thoughts to you!