For this month’s Munchkin Meals, I wanted to chat a little bit about the differences I’ve seen with food between Hailey (3 1/2) and Kaitlyn (11 months). With both girls, I used the baby led weaning method (you can find my ebook on BLW here).
Hailey took to eating solid foods like a dream. She ate a variety of foods and, in fact, I’m not sure if there was much of anything she wouldn’t eat around one year of age. She never went through much of a picky phase besides some power struggles here and there, which I eliminated with the beautiful phrase “You don’t have to eat it.” I subscribe to the method of the parent (me) choosing what I serve and when, while giving my child the ability to choose if she eats and how much. It’s worked pretty beautifully for us.
Over the years I’ve received countless questions and emails from parents of children who didn’t take so easily to solids. I gave out my best advice, but honestly, it was hard for me to relate. Until now.
Kaitlyn is naturally much more discerning about her food choices. She’ll sort her food and select only the pieces she likes (usually fruit) or purposefully toss the offending foods down for Koda (the dog) to enjoy. However, despite these tendencies, I won’t call her picky, and this is why.
First and foremost, labeling a person as anything automatically puts them into a box. Not only does that person hear their label and often start to believe and abide by it, but others treat that person according to the label.
To make that less abstract, if Kaitlyn grows up hearing me call her picky, then she will assume that she is and eat as though she is. If I call her picky then I also will act accordingly and alter the foods I give to her to try and accommodate her preferences. I know this is true because I’ve caught myself doing it occasionally over the past few months. I’ve used the label in my head as a crutch and am now making a conscious effort to change that behavior.
I don’t believe that a child exhibiting a certain behavior at a given time is indicative of how they are as a person or will always be. Hailey having tantrums did not mean she was a bratty child; it just was a phase of behavior at a certain point in her ever-evolving life. She had to learn to understand what she was feeling and learn to express it in a more effective way. The key word being she had to learn.
Some children take naturally to eating healthy food. Others may take time to learn, just as children take time to learn other things- how to fall asleep on their own, how to get dressed, how to go potty. I didn’t label Hailey as ‘doesn’t know how to use the potty’ when she was transitioning out of pull-ups; instead I used the verbiage she was ‘learning’ how to go potty. The same is true for Kaitlyn’s eating habits. I don’t think tossing an avocado or a green bean on the floor is sentencing her to a life of assumed kid food of chicken nuggets and mac ‘n cheese; instead, she is learning about the food that we eat in our house. My job as mom is to keep our value of good food consistent.
All this being said, I am not above the frustration of watching food being fed to the dog. I get how incredibly annoying that is, and like I mentioned, I caught myself mentally choosing to not put certain foods on her tray to avoid that outcome. However taking a closer look at the situation, I’m adjusting my behavior. I want continue to expose her to a variety of foods without superimposing my expectations on the situation.
So I’m back to putting chicken on her plate and even some of the cabbage slaw too because kids are always surprising us. Last night, watching us eat it, Kaitlyn downed a couple bites of her slaw too. A good reminder for me to drop my assumptions of what she will and will not eat. This doesn’t mean she has to eat and love every vegetable ever, we all have our preferences, but consistency and patience is certain to pay off. I’ll report back.
Thoughts?
Liz @ I Heart Vegetables says
I think this is SO true! I don’t have kids, but I was labeled as a picky eater when I was little. As a result, I just wouldn’t try anything. Once I got to college, I opened up my tastebuds and I found that I actually loved tons of foods I’d never even TRIED before!
Brynn says
such a great topic and so well said. I just wrote an article on labels and how those labels from our past can severely limit us as adults. And the statement that kids are always changing and surprising us is so true!
John J. says
Good blog! Labeling people in general is not a good idea. As you mentioned, kids, and adults, go through phases and developmental stages. Not good to label and stereotype a particular phase.
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul says
Great perspective! I want to have this mentality when I have kids!
Kathryn Doherty says
Like minds! I take this exact approach with my little ones (almost 4 and 21 months)! I offer them healthy foods and let them decide what and how much to eat. No fighting over food is a nice thing. (Though once M was about 2 1/2, I did start having her take a “thank you” bite to at least try her food for exposure.) Others might call them picky at one stage or another, but I think they’ve both always been pretty good eaters. I make a point to praise their eating habits and what they do eat rather than focus on the things they won’t touch. I think it reinforces a healthy attitude toward food that will hopefully serve them well throughout their lives. And I definitely give them things I know they don’t usually touch. It sounds kinda mean, maybe, but it’s done with love 🙂
Brittany says
I agree it’s all about perspective! I mean what baby isn’t picky and occasionally temperamental? She’s still learning and adjusting to the world!
Nicole says
I’ve done about the same thing with both my girls. Not even based on health reasons, I refuse to make a separate “kid meal” because they don’t “like” what I make. My oldest daughter is 6 and she is a lot more vocal about her preferences, however, I still don’t NOT serve something based on that, because I find that it depends partly on how I serve it and if she’s in a good mood or whatever! Sometimes she says she hates mushrooms, other times, they’re her favorite thing but “only INSIDE an omelet”, lol. If I serve them in an omelet another time and she says she hates them, I nonchalantly tell her to pick them out and set them to the side. I agree that labeling them, even as far as to say, “she doesn’t like mushrooms” creates this idea that maybe isn’t always true. If I never served her mushrooms again, how many amazing dishes would she turn down at restaurants that maybe would have been her new favorite? I want my kids to not only be well-rounded eaters but adventurous eaters because eating is fun! It’s so great to discover new foods and recipes 🙂 All that said, I definitely see a difference in how my littlest one approaches food. Still, I love that I get to see these things and teach them and share with them so many amazing foods! 🙂
Laura @FitMamaLove says
I can’t stand labels, so I completely agree with you. Kids go through phases, just keep offering and they’ll come around. I can’t tell you how many things my kids have started eating after multiple offers that they previously refused. Even though they’re good eaters for the most part, they are still “picky” about certain things, but I don’t like to call it that. For instance, if I make scrambled eggs, I don’t put ground pepper on theirs. I also frequently serve them foods separately from each other instead of all mixed together how I might have it. I don’t see that as picky, but other people do.
Heather says
Really good points on why we shouldn’t label our children. I try not to label our kids, but admit that sometimes those labels enter my thoughts and I have to remind myself that it’s just a phase. I probably served my son green beans 30 times before he finally started to just eat them on his own. I also like that you aren’t making your kids try a bite… I’m trying to break my husband of that habit (which is how we grew up) in the hopes that our kids will try different foods because they want to and so it doesn’t turn into a battle.
We probably shouldn’t use labels at all, but I figure if we do then we should use labels that aren’t automatically negative. My son for instance is high-spirited 😉 and like you said – he’s learning how to use the potty, rather than “he doesn’t know how.”
Amy @ Elephant Eats says
This is so true, and you explain it so well! My brother was a “picky” eater growing up, and now he’s not only adventurous, but he owns restaurants (you’ve been to Grindhouse 😉 but he also just started Hi-Five Diner!!) and pland the most delicious menus and food combinations. The funny thing is that when he was young, there were foods he hated but if you put anything in soup, he’d eat it. I think it’s so important to keep exposing your kids to foods even if they’ve claimed they don’t like them…i’m finally getting my husband to eat things he “thinks” he doesn’t like! I think that even if kids have limited tastes, the important thing that distinguishes them from being picky is that they will TRY new foods even if they think they may not like it. Also, I think all of our tastebuds go through phases. There are definitely things I used to like but don’t now, and vice versa. I’m curious to see how Kaitlyn and Hailey’s food preferences will change…
Kristin says
This was great! Thank you! My son is 15 months old. I haven’t labeled him as picky, but I have found myself starting to choose only foods I think he’ll eat and avoid other foods that he doesn’t like just so he’d eat something! I’m trying to stop that now and keep introducing foods he’s turned down. He goes to the babysitter during the day, and I’ve found he’s more likely to try things if he’s around other kids eating too, so I send him with something “different” each day. But dinner time – that’s a whole other ballgame. We don’t do family dinners b/c he eats early (5:45-6:00). I make dinner after he’s in bed. Eventually once he starts going to bed later, family dinners might be an option. But my biggest concern at dinnertime is making sure he eats enough to fill his belly so he won’t wake up early wanting a snack (he’s never slept through the night, we’re still working on that!). Right now I’m prioritizing sleep over dinner time habits, and I’m sure it’ll come back to bite me but I’ll cross that bridge then. Anyway, thanks for sharing this. We did BLW too, and it’s nice to hear when other kids don’t gobble up everything on their plate!
Christine says
I love this mentality! I have started BLW with my 6 month old. There are times when he will turn something away but funny enough if I give it to him at a different time or on another day, he will try it! So I’m going to keep an open mind with BLW and have fun with it! I think children love options and being in charge, so offering him 2 or 3 things on his tray allows him to try different things and also makes me happy!
Great write up!
jodie says
Spot on. This is why you find success with motherhood:)
Emily Luellwitz says
I love your perspective on this! I just bought your book for my little one who will be 6 months very soon. I can’t wait to read it!
Heather@hungryforbalance says
You are so right! My daughter is generally a pretty good eater, but I often find myself only giving her foods that I know she will eat. She often refuses sweet potatoes!?!
This is a great reminder about how labels are often self fulfilling prophecies.
Julie says
YES. I don’t have kids but I’m a teacher and I believe all of what you say extends beyond the kitchen table! Thank you for being so open.
Colette says
this post it so what we are dealing with right now. Our little girl is 20 months, and really asserting herself and likes/dislikes. I am so concerned with her eating a full meal at meal times (so she won’t be hungry later) that I find myself picking the same types of foods I know she likes over and over. I don’t want to deal with a power struggle over trying something new at dinner when everyone is in meltdown mode at 6pm!
Brittnay- the one thing I struggle with is when I do mix in a new food on her tray, and she eats all her favorite things and not the new item. Then inevitably she asks for more of the things she likes, and I try to tell her – at least try the new item and then I’ll give her more of the other stuff. This always results in frustration and tears on her part- she refuses wants nothing to do with the food and then if I don’t give its tantrum time. How do you deal when your girls ask for more of the stuff they like without turning it into a power struggle? Or is it just the age/stage we are at right now?
Brittany Dixon says
Hailey did/does this too! What has worked pretty well for us is saying ‘absolutely you can have more! You just need to eat what is on your plate first and if you’re tummy is still hungry, you can choose what you’d like more of.’ She pouted through that the first few times and even refused, but now she’s pretty good about it. They key here for us is to give small first portions, so if she needs to finish something I know she isn’t wild about, sometimes it’s only one bite (like zucchini, which she isn’t fond of). I don’t know if this is the “right” way but I will say it seems to do the trick most of the time. Once Kaitlyn gets to that point, stay tuned and I’ll see if I’m singing a different tune 😉
Danica @ It's Progression says
I completely agree with your approach on this. It’s a major pet peeve of mine when I hear a parent saying their child is a “picky eater,” especially when it’s right in from of that child! And like you mentioned, I think it goes this way with any “box” – if you tell a child they are ___, that’s going to become engraved in them and most likely they’ll live up to it.
Tory says
I’m a dietitian and this is my area of work and interest. I love talking to parents and hearing their perspectives. I was always interested in the concepts of “picky eating” and the feeding relationship, and now am so lucky I work in paediatrics. You have no idea how common it is for parents to feel confused about feeding, in terms of what to offer and just allowing their children to focus on listening to their hunger and appetite cues. Of course it can get more challenging when children start to become more vocal (toddler ages), and often feel as though they can dictate the meals and what they want. This is usually when parents start to “give in” and become a “short order cook.” This can make parents feel as though their child is a picky eater, when in fact they are just catering to their desire to have some control. Some children need to have multiple exposures to different foods before deciding they like it. I could talk for hours about picky eating! And it’s also important to remember that every family and child is different. Some parents take for granted the fact that they have healthy children, because this concept gets much more complicated when children have health issues- for example a babe who is 10 months, spent the first few months in the NICU and now trying to be weaned off the tube feeds they’ve been on since birth. They may have never been breastfed and are now trying to learn how to eat solids at an older age than most babes.
Also, you did mention about when, where, how much, how often.. are you familiar with Ellyn Satter? She is a Registered Dietitian and family therapist who has done tons of research and her career focuses mainly on the feeding relationship and picky eating. She is amazing and I would encourage parents to check out her website if they can’t visit a Dietitian directly, and she also has a few books. Her book entitled, “This Child of Mine,” is such a great read and beneficial to both parents and health professionals.
Verna says
All of my kids have had picky stages. We have always encouraged them to try new foods. Just one bite and if they don’t like it they don’t have to eat anymore. The other day we had fresh asparagus from our garden. My oldest (who was SUPER picky when younger) ate all of his and asked for more. My younger ones ate their one bite and were done and that’s fine. They tried it. They made an effort. That’s all we want. I definitely agree labeling can easily lead into making excuses for behavior and catering to children in a way that’s not healthy. I love what you wrote! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Marta says
Hi Brittany
When you read this article now, what would you say? In Hindsight? Success? I’m at 13 months now and trying to get more creative with my girl’s lunches 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
I really feel like at 21 months (now) that Kaitlyn has come around. She definitely does love as many foods as my older child and doesn’t care much about food, but for the most part she eats what I serve, so I would say success!
Kristin says
This post was so encouraging. I’m going through a choosy stage with my 2-year-old and I have gotten into the habit of making him 4 or 5 different choices if he doesn’t eat the first one. This creates chaos during meal times with me getting up every 5 minutes to “try something else” for him. No more! I need to be patient and let him chose. It’s a give and take and I am so ready to give up that control!