Roles within a marriage/family are personal. Almost as much as money I’d say. Some view the woman taking on most of the home responsibilities as sexist and old-fashioned. Well, perhaps I’m a little old-fashioned.
That may not be news to anyone. However, let me clarify. David never expected me to wear heels, maintain a spotless house and have a hot dinner waiting for him every night. Good thing too, because he’d be waiting for a long time for those heels and a spotless house.
(Dinner, I think I could manage!)
OK, let’s back up a bit. We never had a formal conversation about roles in the household when I transitioned to being a stay at home mom. Being that grocery shopping and cooking is something I enjoy, I pretty much claimed that from before we were even married.
Looking back, I realize I even picked up laundry and maintaining the house early on, before kids. David isn’t a natural neat freak, to put it nicely, so I took it upon myself to keep things in order and it just kind of stuck.
To this day, I handle the majority of house work. I realize this doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for us most of the time. David’s schedule is quite crazy and demanding. He’d honestly be fine being in charge of laundry or whatever other task I delegated to him, but the time line in which it would get done would be unpredictable, and ultimately bother me more than if I just stayed on top of throwing in a load a day myself.
In case you missed it…
Transitioning to Being a SAHM: Finances
Transitioning to Being a SAHM: Emotions
Since I am a SAHM, I don’t mind the extra responsibility. I see it as part of my job (again, SELF-inflicted), and enjoy the pride I feel in running the house. David openly appreciates my hard work, as I openly appreciate his. We both feel the money coming home is truly ours (not his) because we are both pulling a significant load to keep things running smoothly and working towards the life that we want to live. We couldn’t do what we do without each other.
The team approach works for us. He works outside the home and a lot of hours. He handles all outdoor/lawn maintenance and fixes everything around the house. I handle the majority of kid-care, laundry, meals, errands, bills and keeping the house clean (which can vary greatly on degree-on-cleanliness from week to week).
There are certainly days I feel overwhelmed; days I stare at the dishwasher with hatred and the thought of emptying it one more time makes me want to rip my hair out. There are days I want to list off every single task I did during the day to David to give him an idea of how much I’ve accomplished. And there are days I feel he doesn’t grasp the full concept of just how exhausted I am and how much I do.
In return, I am certain there are days where he feels under-appreciated. He complains less than anyone I’ve ever met, so he never points out his repeated 5am wake up calls, his late nights, his unpredictable schedule. At these times, I try to take it upon myself to acknowledge that he is working his tail off too. He is anything but lazy, which is an attribute I value highly.
On weekends, we tag team most things. If there is extra laundry, he’ll get it going without being asked, which I really appreciate. He’ll offer to pick up dinner to give me a break.
I’ll take the kids grocery shopping so he can get the lawn done. However, sometimes I am guilty — ok ok, OFTEN I am guilty — of pushing some undesirable childcare responsibilities to him on the weekends. In my mind, I’ve changed dirty diapers all week, so clearly it’s YOUR turn. He’s fine taking over those tasks, but my attitude/expectation that he should do them probably isn’t the best way to approach things. I’m not proud of that, and am working on dropping the entitled attitude, but there you have it — one of my flaws.
We really appreciate and enjoy the life we live and the direction we are heading, but it doesn’t come without hard work from both of us. By recognizing and appreciating each other for what we each do keeps things running like a well-oiled machine. I’ve learned over the years of of marriage that it’s important to not keep score. It’s a team approach that keeps thing working. This means there are weeks that we must pick up slack for each other and weeks that we both might feel under-appreciated, but thankfully they are few.
How do you and your significant other handle roles in the household?
Does it work for you or would you like something to change?
Tanya @ Vegan Faith says
Just the other day I was dreading the dishwasher so badly I considered leaving it until Alex got home…luckily I realized how selfish I was being considering he was at work all day and had a very long day at that…so then (kid you not) I considered leaving it until 3 days later when my mom came in to town. The thought actually crossed my mind to let her empty my dishwasher for me…that’s how much I loathe it!
Brittany says
I love that you considered leaving it for 3 days! That’s amazing. I know how you feel though. I don’t understand how we go through so many dishes. Drives me crazy some days!
Lauren says
Girls, when you don’t want to unload it, just keep in mind that some of us ( like me), don’t have a dishwasher and I am the dishwasher. 😉 But the way I see it, someday when I do have one again, it will be all the more sweeter after years of hand washing 🙂
Madeline @ Food Fitness and Family says
I handle a majority of the household work and probably still will once I am in school full time mainly because I have a certain standard and Chris HATES when I go over his work. OOPS.
I will say the man does the laundry in our house. It’s one of the things I hate most and he actually enjoys. He just folds it while he watches whatever sport happens to be on.
Brittany says
Oh how sweet of Chris! And I forgot to mention that I despise cleaning toilets (eeww!) so David actually handles those, thank goodness!
Emily @ Perfection Isn't Happy says
My husband and I have a division of labor just like this. I know that a lot of people see it as old-fashioned, but it works for us! I take care of all of the inside stuff, and he takes care of the outdoor stuff and general home maintenance that I know nothing about.
My husband works long hours outside of the home also, so things get done faster if I do them myself, and I don’t mind!
jodi says
Great finish to the SAHM trilogy! 🙂
I think I am probably old fashioned as well and I KNOW that my husband is too. I think where we have had our obstacles with our roles is that I have been living a non traditional life with have a job outside the home on some days and a SAHM life on other days. So it is hard bc he is expecting a traditional home life, but my job leaves me stressed, exhausted and at the end of the day I am ready to crash. But it is still expected that I have dinner figured out, start the girls bedtime routine, do dishes, etc. Its a work in progress and we have figured out a lot of it, but at the end of the day, there are always things to do (ie dishes, laundry, picking up toys…) and my hubby is ready to enjoy watching TV and I am like, um hello???? dishes, laundry… he says I need to just let it go and relax but I haven’t met the magical fairy that does it while I am sleeping… 😉 Hopefully bridging into a more traditional role will help with this, but still at the end of day we still need to work together to finish the family chores that inevitably happen (even when I am 100% SAHM). And I agree, its going to happen where some days you feel underappreciated and as long as those days are at a minimum, then you are ahead of the game!! Its a work in progress always…;)
Brittany says
I think you hit the nail on the head with it’s always a work in progress! I’m always curious how chores would divvy out if I worked full time. Although as a SAHM, I’m proud to take care of a lot of the home work, I would be resentful if it felt expected and/or unappreciated. I never read the love languages book, but in pretty sure my language is affirmation. I like to be told I’m appreciated and I think David understands that and does a great job of fulfilling that need. It gives me the fuel I need to keep going!
Ps- can we go on a hunt together to find the chore fairy?
Jodi says
Ha ha… Ironically, Jayson and I have talked about the love languages… He’s words of affirmation and I am acts of service. So I say I promise just do the dishes (acts of service) and I promise to say thank you!!! ( words of affirmation) 🙂 It’s just that easy!!!! 🙂
Parita @ myinnershakti says
Even though I am not a SAHM or even a mom for that matter, I really liked this series!
Sometimes I wonder about how things are going to change when we have kids. Right now, I am 100% a control freak and only let Vishnu help with certain tasks (like folding laundry because I loathe that one). We’ll figure it out I guess!
Amy@ahealthyandhappyheart says
Another spot on post! I am a little old fashion as well and take on the majority of the household work for a few reasons. 1. I like the way I clean (hello control freak) 2. My husband works a lot and has a lot of overnight travel…AKA the house would never be cleaned! 3. I truly don’t mind cleaning and enjoy a clean home. I do the same thing with our son on the weekends…I expect my husband to take on full baby duty/yard work etc, even if he was traveling all week. I am working on changing my attitude though 🙂
Paulina says
I am sooooooo lucky. We both work full time, so household chores and childcare is 50/50. It’s only fair, and even before the baby was born, we always shared responsibilities this way. Things my husband does without me ever asking: All of the laundry, dishes, feeding the cats and dog, picking up dog poop, scooping the litter box, bills, lawn care, groceries, packing my car with my lunch and my daughters school stuff each morning. I do most of the cooking, but he usually cooks one or two dinners a week. I do the vacuuming, clean the bathrooms, dust, sweep/swiffer the kitchen, wipe the counters daily, wash windows, etc…We share the yard work, home repairs, and care for our daughter. My husband is a bit of a workaholic and can’t really relax if there are dishes in the sink or laundry to be done, and I’m more of a neat-freak about keeping the house clean so we make a good team. One challenge we had to face when our daughter was born was not keeping score of who did more each day. There were times we’d feel resentful of the other person if one of us was still doing chores while the other was relaxing. Now that we’re aware of it, if one person is busy with the bedtime routine or something, the other person will find something to do and we’ll both ‘clock-out’ at the same time each night.
Brittany says
Wow, sounds like you have a fantastic team approach! How wonderful to have a partner like that. And I love your point about ‘clocking out’ at the same time. I didn’t realize it, but we do that too. I can imagine if be a little frustrated if he was sitting on the couch while I was running around taking care of things or vice versa.
Kimberly @ Healthy Strides says
Great post! And definitely what you do is work, which I realize every time I fly solo on the weekends.
My husband, God bless him, is a tidier soul than me and often handles the bulk of the cleaning – floors, dishes, etc. I am in charge of cooking and grocery, which he has no desire to help with. We tend to tag-team laundry and other smaller tasks, trying to get things done. For example, he started a load of laundry before leaving for work and I threw it in the dryer and put another in the washer on delay start. When he gets home, he’ll throw one load in the dryer and maybe start another. It all gets done. Eventually.
Lauren says
When you start to dread unloading the dishwasher think of me, I don’t have one at all. I wash all my dishes by hand (almost every day). I would love to not want to unload my dishwasher lol.
Lauren says
haha another Lauren here who made a similar comment 🙂
Liz says
This has been so interesting to me – for some reason bloggers, and everyone, seems hesitant to share. I’m not a SAHM, just in serious relationship with my live in boyfriend but even there the division of labor comes into play. I work from home so do quite a bit more since he’s on the road all day long and has a 45 minute commute each way so I have much more free time. That being said we each still have assigned chores – he has dishes and trash, I have everything else. It drives me crazy when he lets dishes sit for days though so we’re constantly re-evaluating to see what makes sense. For some reason it doesn’t seem “fair” for me to do all of it since we both work but he just doesn’t mind dishes piling up and doing them twice a week. We also used to have a housekeeper do the deep cleaning once a month and are thinking about bringing her back – for only $80 it was an amazing treat and kept us both REALLY happy. It’s a luxury but we’re very strict on our grocery budget so justified it that way. It’s a confusing topic, we definitely don’t have it figured out like you do yet!
We’ve also had “the talk” and discussing finances was actually the easier part! We both agree we’d need to keep separate stashes of fun money if/when we get married but combine almost everything else. The amount he spends on scotch would drive me crazy! And the amount I spend on eyebrow waxes, Amazon shopping, and clothes would drive him crazy!
Marjorie says
We are mostly traditional, even though we both work. We do pay a cleaning crew once a month, and that helps tremendously. I do touch ups in between. I do the majority of laundry, all cooking, meal planning, grocery shopping, any other household purchasing, taking care of the baby, daycare drop off and pick up. I schedule all repair and maintenance on the house (that we hire out) since I work from home and am here all day. I pay all of the bills (joint account). I share your loathing of unloading the dishwasher. Every. Single. Day.
My husband does his own ironing (I love him for this) for whatever is not dry cleaned, he cuts and edges the yard, takes care of all vehicle maintenance, and he also does all of our finacial tracking/budgeting. He does dishes almost every night after dinner, while I give the baby his bath. We are now paying someone to trim the hedges and lay pine straw. My husband’s job is demanding as well, with long days, plus a difficult commute. My job is pretty much a 40 hour a week gig, but I have zero commute…other than to drop the baby off at daycare 5 minutes away.
It is interesting to see how everybody else does it. I want to echo that marriage works best when we do not compare, or treat division of labor like a balnce sheet. It isn’t always even, but it works for us.
Dominique @ That's What Domi Said says
I do it all. Because I’m superwoman.
Ok, I lied. It’s because I’m a single woman. 😉
But I like the setup you and David have – reminds me a lot of what my parents did when I was growing up – and it sounds about like the balance I hope to achieve when I’m a Mrs.
Verna says
I take care of the majority of the house and child care also. My husband is really great about taking the kids outside in the evenings and on the weekends to give me a break. I used to feel more like I “deserved” it when we had a couple kids but now that we have 3, my attitude has changed. I’m not sure why exactly but it just has. I still really enjoy breaks when he gives them to me though but I try to give him a break every now and then too. He’s great at giving me a hand with household chores every now and then too. I’m very thankful for him!!
Kristen @ notsodomesticated says
Wow, I literally feel like I could have written this entire post myself. Brandon and I are incredibly similar to you and your hubby! And I sometimes struggle with the same feelings, but I’m also completely aware of the inaccuracies in my feelings. Brandon, like your husband, works incredibly hard AND helps at home whenever asked AND never complains. I know how truly blessed I am!
Chantal says
I definitely take on the traditional womanly role of taking care of the home, but that’s cool. I too think it’s my job. I also like being the one who does the laundry and so on, though it’s certainly nice when he helps do the dishes or vacuum!
Lia says
Loveeeee this post!! Hubby and I are very traditional also and I’m sure this is what things will look like for us when we have kids. I really want to be able to stay at home or at least go very part time (I’m a nurse) when we have our first baby. I enjoy taking care of the house and cooking. Hubby already takes care of the outside, cars, house maintaince, all finances, planning trips, long term planning and goals for our family (with my input) and also helps with the doggy!
It works for us most of the time (except when I get overwhelmed when I work overtime and the house is a mess)! Thanks for this blog series. I want to have a life very similar to you one day!
John J. says
Well said – and, it works. Team, not “keeping score”, and appreciating the efforts of the other are critical pieces to keep your wonderful marriage primed for the long haul.
Emily says
LOVE this post! I am a SAHM too. I am so grateful that I am able to stay home and that hubby and I agree on our roles, yet work as a team, just like you described. I was actually just thinking about it today and how another thing I love about our situation is that while he is working all day bringing in the $$ and I am caring for our daughter and taking care of the house (as old fashion as it may be) it gives us time in the evening to just do family things and then spend a little alone time after the baby is in bed. Granted there are many nights where I may still folding clothes or we are just tired, but it is another perk and it works. Love your blog, I really relate to you!
Patti says
Our household runs a lot like yours! Our husbands sound very similar, too — mine never complains and is always willing to lend a hand. He never makes me feel like I “have” to do all the housework. He recently got back from a deployment and had several weeks at home with us. I think that opened his eyes to how busy/hectic/stressful it can be to be a SAHM. The last few weeks, he has offered to watch the kids on Saturday morning so that I can sleep in.
Lauren @ Dash of Soul says
Great post! My husband is a neat freak and as much as I WANT to be able to take care of the house, I’m honestly just lazy about household things and messes don’t bother me in the least. As long as I grocery shop and cook (things I love to do!), my husband doesn’t mind doing most everything else around the house. I haven’t unloaded a dishwasher in ages!
Christy says
Thanks for posting about this! I have a 19 month old and a 1 month old and sometimes I feel like my husband’s job is a cakewalk compared to what I do all day. That’s not the case, of course, but any and all ”down time” is looked upon with envy. He commutes about 45 minutes each day and even that seems like a luxury…alone time in the car with a Starbucks? I’m in! Sometimes I feel like when the weekend hits, he still thinks that being home means relaxing. This is the crux of most of our arguments because a SAHM’s job doesn’t stop on the weekend. 🙂 Anyways, as hard as it is sometimes, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Neil Butterfield says
My wife & I both run our own businesses and share duties in the home. Team work is much better as we get the job done quicker.
myjniamarynarska.com says
There is certainly a great deal to find out about this topic. I like all the points you’ve made.