How to handle differences in parenting philosophies is one of the most requested topics I’ve received and with good reason. Even if you’ve discussed how you’ll raise your child until you are blue in the face, somehow when you are there, staring at the little miracle in your hands, things change. Maybe you realize you are a more uptight mom than you imagined or maybe you are much more relaxed than you thought you’d be. While I believe it’s crucial to discuss the kind of parent you want to be before a child arrives, the rubber really meets the road when you’re suddenly in the thick of it.
I know this because David and I have worked our way through differences in parenting philosophies over the past 6 years ourselves. I remember being told by mothering veterans when Hailey was born that if I wanted David to change her diaper, I’d better stop critiquing his method- a tough thing for a new, slightly overwhelmed mom to do, but important nonetheless. That incident, among others, sharpened our communication skills and moved us both closer to being the mom and dad we want to be. There are a few advice tidbits that have helped us overcome those differences in parenting opinion obstacles.
Be respectful to each other; parenting is a learning process. We were all raised differently. Even if you discussed it beforehand, when a child arrives it’s common to default back to what we saw when we were growing up. It doesn’t mean we are stuck emulating it forever, but know that it takes a little time for each of us to become comfortable in our new roles and to be clear on what kind of parent we want to be.
Discuss the issue when it’s not happening. Bite your tongue and let the scenario at hand play out. Then, later, in private, discuss the incident. Beyond handling single issues, it’s also important to find a time to go over specific aspects of parenting: discipline, like decision making, nurturing, show of love and affection, discipline, participation in extra curricular activities, etc. Let each partner explain their perspective and desired approach. Talk through and resolve any areas of conflict, and together create a game plan so when that specific situation arises, you both know how it will be handled.
Whoever gives the consequence is the one that sees it through. This one is important because it means it is less likely for one parent to become the disciplinarian (the bad guy) while the other one may be seen as the more fun, or nice guy, parent. Parents should present a united front and both parties need to be on board with the consequence that was given, but the follow-through should usually come from the parent that gave the punishment.
Switch your thinking and consider how it is advantageous that your partner has a different view point. I coddle; David pushes. I can get emotionally worked up; David is as steady as they come. We bring different strengths to parenting and together they create the balanced approach we both strive for.
Be a united front to the kids. It’s important to me that David and I are a single parenting unit. Even if we might initially react differently to a situation, the kids know we support each other and are a team, which doesn’t allow them to play us against each other.
Know that how you parent together will constantly change as children reach new ages and stages. Be flexible. New challenges (tantrums, backtalk, lying, etc) arise all the time, so just know that the “how do we want to parent this situation” talks will be ongoing.
Understand you will both make mistakes. There have been times I’ve handled a situation and almost immediately think to myself “I’m not proud of how I handled that.” For example, yelling. I really don’t like yelling, but it has happened. David? He will never yell. It just isn’t in him. I’m grateful he hasn’t made me feel guilty for those moments that I’ve lost my cool and I keep that in mind if he handles a situation in a way I wouldn’t choose to do myself. We’re all going to slip up, but we don’t need to be reminded of it everyday.
These have helped us create a pretty solid parenting plan in our house. While we aren’t perfect parents, we are intentional with the methods we choose to implement and ensure that we are both on the same page. Now if someone could just help me figure out how to tackle Kaitlyn’s ability to lie straight-faced, that’d be great! 😉
Tell me about parenting in your house-
what are your struggles?
your strengths?
Cassie says
Ironically, hubs is a little stricter than I am. I contribute this to 2 things… little girl is over the moon for dad so she’ll immediately comply with him. I also just can’t discipline all day long. I’m a pick your battles advocate. Luckily I have lots of support from my even keeled husband especially when I’ve had a frazzled day.
Brittany Dixon says
Our husbands sound similar! That even-keel drives me crazy sometimes but it’s also a huge attribute to our parenting team 🙂
Whitney says
Does David have any flaws LOL!!
These are good reminders. My son is 13 months old so we are just dipping into it now🤪
Brittany Dixon says
He doesn’t! He’s perfect! …oh wait, he isn’t reading this… 😉
Kidding aside, he really is a pretty solid guy and I’m grateful to do life with him because we balance each other out well. Things like the fact that he can be pretty messy (while I’m a neat freak) and he’s not naturally romantically inclined are small things in the grand scheme of it all. Plus, it took a few years but I finally learned that he isn’t a mind reader and that helped me start to speak up for what I want/need which makes a big difference.
It also helps that I’m still pretty smitten with him even after 15ish years.. and that you’re catching me on a good day 😉
John J. says
Terrific, and important, blog! Very well said. It is one of the main keys to raising healthy kids. Seeing Mom and Dad joined together as a parenting unit gives kids a sense of security, even though they have thoughts of “divide and conquer”. Rational and respectful communication between parents leads to an “us” that is uniting for the couple and seen as comforting strength by kids. Good job, Brittany in writing and in practice with David.
Sophia says
This really came at a crucial time for me…just yesterday i talked to hubby about my idea of eventually selling our house and moving to a different neighborhood with a better school district. i expected 100% support from him but his response was that the best schools don’t always make the best men! i just could not believe what he said and felt like i shouldn’t have to explain him the importance of giving our son the best we can!still really sad. parenting is definitely not easy for us!
Brittany Dixon says
Schools are a tough topic for so many, so you aren’t alone! Hope you can find some time to discuss the pros and cons when you are both feeling open to discussing it. <3
Kelli H says
I agree that we all can make mistakes with parenting and that we shouldn’t have to be reminded of our mistakes. I do wonder though what happens in your household if say David does something with parenting that you completely disagree with? Has that happened to you? I only ask because my David seems to cuss a lot. I guess that’s what 30 years of not being around children has done. LOL. It’s something we’ve been working on to get him to stop now that our daughter is here. When he does it i remind him but I guess sometimes it can seem like a nagging.
Brittany Dixon says
That’s a tough one! Does he want to stop cussing in front of C and it’s just habit? Or does it not bother him? I’d find a time to chat about it (and luckily you have some time since she’s still little!) and just try to find some common ground. The most important thing is that y’all are on the same page, even if you each slip up every once in a while!
I know you asked if I’ve been in a similar position, but I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that we’ve been on complete opposite sides with once we’ve taken time to sit down and discuss it.
Heather says
Now being a SAHM has made the dynamic even harder in our house. I just know our kids better because I am with them all.day.long. That isn’t any fault of my husbands, but sometimes it is hard to have the patience to explain where something is when I could find it blindfolded. My 3 year old has also started pretending that mommy/daddy said yes to something when we have not. Tricky little three year olds. I think my husband also feels a little guilty that he is “missing” things because I want to tell him about the kid’s day. Just another season of life we have to figure out before early retirement 😉
Jenn says
You have said David works late sometimes, is he ok staying on a schedule then? I could be a strict bedtime mom but my husband is way more lenient. We argued about it the other night because he says he works allday and doesnt get to spend time with the kids. I say well they are super tired the next day and Im stuck dealing with them. But they always turn into angels in the evening after dinner and baths.
sherry says
So well written! Sounds like a blog your dad would have written. United front -even if you are not totally united in how the situation should be handled–gives the kids a sense of security. Keep up the good work!
Alison says
Our biggest strengths are our united front, willingness to review and discuss challenges after the fact, and support of each other. Neither one of us knew much about parenting so we took a class when the kids were 2.5 and 4 months. It gave us a lot of tools so we are pulling from the same toolbox. Weakness-I need to stop pointing out when I observe something that goes against our philosophy. (That’s just a nicer way of saying “mistakes”). I’m SO much better than I was but could still improve.
Katie says
I think for us the main issue is how we handle stress! I’m a lot more relaxed than I thought I would be and my husband is bothered by little things- and I get frustrated by that! We tended to bicker in the beginning and we’re constantly working on it. It’s tough!
Vince says
This is such an important topic. There are always some significant differences in perspectives between people in a relationship and they can be significant in so many ways. I suspect many new parents assume that their views are going to be the same until they suddenly realize that isn’t the case at all.