There was a time that I ate for size and weight instead of health. It looked good on the surface because I was eating ‘healthy’ foods while I did it. This time was at the end of college, as I was graduating, around 2006. I decided I had some pounds to take off (I truly did- about 15-20 of them) and really wanted to do it the right way.
I started limiting calories. Not to a dangerously low level, but I counted adamantly. That number, around 1200, ruled my life. I gravitated towards foods that were easy to count, usually prepackaged. I really wanted to be healthy, but just hadn’t figured it all out yet.
A banana and cereal for breakfast with skim milk- 280 calories.
Apple and cheese for a snack- 140 calories.
A Lean Cuisine and diet coke for lunch- 270 calories.
Pretzels in the afternoon- 115 calories.
Grilled chicken and spinach for dinner- 250 calories.
A low-fat pseudo ice cream dessert- 150 calories.
Total= 1205 calories = a good day.
Man, they seemed to add up quickly!
It’s sort of painful to write that out now. In fact, it makes me hungry. I never had an eating disorder, but I certainly ate in a disordered manner sometimes. Not so much what I ate, but how I ate. I would say no to treats and cut calories back on Fridays to make up for a night out on the town. Looking back it seems so restrictive, because it was, but it’s what I thought I had to do to get my weight under control.
I got down to my lowest weight (which was still in the healthy range for my short stature) following that plan, but I wouldn’t say I ever felt good about it. It felt exhausting. No one else knew I was constantly calculating numbers in my head. I could rattle off calorie counts like it was my job. But I loved the compliments. You look so good! What have you been doing? Of course the girl in me kept wondering just how terrible I had looked before!
I’m not sure when I fully stopped the habit. I moved to Charlotte and got a new job. In order to make new friends, I was busier. I went out more. I hiked more. I spent more time with David.
I put on a couple pounds. I realized I didn’t care. It was so freeing.
I got married in 2009 at a weight that was 9 pounds above that lowest weight I once was and I felt beautiful. I was at a different place in life. I knew my goal was a long, happy and healthy life, not a restrictive one based on being a certain size.
I became increasingly passionate about learning more about healthy eating. I educated myself. I got a job in health coaching and was professionally trained. I educated myself even more. I started seeing food as more than a package of calorie delivery.
I really began eating for wellbeing instead of weight.
I sometimes checked in on my calorie counts and helped coach others using diabetic exchanges. I know that both of those, along with scales, body fat percentages and measurements can be powerful and useful tools when not abused. I’m not against any of them. However, for me, the idea of relying on numbers daily felt restrictive.
It took a little while to trust real food. But I finally made it. Real food has proven itself to me over the past few years and I could not be more at peace with my eating habits. Sure, I need to clean things up every so often when I’ve indulged more than I should (side note- I wore my jeans yesterday COMFORTABLY!), but real food works for me. It makes me look good; it makes me feel good.
I’m still a little fanatical, but it’s not about hitting a number goal, it’s about feeding my family the best, healthiest foods I can. It’s important to me because I want us to all still be enjoying life together for years to come, whether our pant sizes fluctuate a size or two.
Today, sitting about 5 pounds above my lowest weight ever, feels right to me. It’s the oh-so-elusive happy weight that people speak of. It’s the weight my body comfortably stays at when I’m eating well, exercising and still indulging every so often.
This post isn’t a how-to as much as it is a testament that it is possible to break free from numbers, from control, from obsession. That was a concept I couldn’t fathom was possible a few years back. It took time for me, but learning to focus on whole foods and listen to my body (though it is annoyingly redundant advice) really worked. I just had to learn to trust it.
Have you ever been in a place with food that you didn’t think you could break free from?
Were you able to overcome it?
Are you still struggling?
Erica says
When I first started losing weight years ago I also stuck to a pretty hard core 1200-1400 calories a day. I wasn’t working out nearly as much as I do now so it was manageable, but it wasn’t fun. Now I’m also a few pounds heavier but SO much happier (even though I still count calories in my head – I just can’t break that habit!)
I just realized that, honestly, not a single person can tell if I’m +/- 5 pounds and I greatly prefer eating what I want, when I want (within reason) to living my life revolving around arbitrary numbers.
Lee says
I still struggle sometimes. About 8 years ago, I lost 35 lbs. I kept it off for about 3-4 years and then slowly gained back about 15-20 of it. I recently lost those 15-20 lbs (doing Weight Watchers) and now I feel much better about myself but I am constantly worried about gaining the weight back.
Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl says
I was an avid calorie counter until about 4 months ago. And let me just say…it is exhausting! I swear, it is like a part-time job. I definitely feel more relaxed now that I am not constantly counting.
Brittany Dixon says
What inspired you to stop counting? Was it difficult for you?
Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl says
I just finally realized that it was overtaking my life and causing me way too much stress. Once I reached that “a-ha” moment, I forced myself to stop counting. I do, however, at times still find myself estimating how many calories are in a certain meal, but keeping track of my daily calories in a thing of the past :).
Brittany Dixon says
Ah, that wonderful ah-ha moment!! :)I’m so happy you’ve found such a great place with being healthy. It feels great to be free, doesn’t it?
Beth @ Mangoes and Miles says
I’ve been in the exact same place you were. I used to count calories like it was my job, and I would get so down on myself if I were even 50 calories over my “limit.” The funny thing is, this was so restrictive that it caused me to binge quite frequently, and I ended up gaining weight.
It’s actually only been a short while–a little more than a month–since I stopped counting calories for good. I’ve finally figured out how to eat for my health (or at least, mostly), and it’s such an amazing feeling. I’ve stopped caring so much about my weight too, because let’s be honest, no one really cares if you’re 2lbs heavier or 2lbs lighter. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
I’m so happy you’ve reached a happy place, too! What enabled you to stop counting? It’s the question I get most often, so I always wonder what sparked other people. For me, I think it was a slow process of learning to trust real food and my body.
Beth @ Mangoes and Miles says
When I first joined the blogging world, I read a few posts from various bloggers talking about their experiences with intuitive eating, and it made me realize that counting calories wasn’t the answer.
It definitely was not an easy process. When I first allowed myself to have anything I wanted, I ended up eating more than my fair share of…well, everything. But a big part of it was just telling myself, “If that’s what I want, then okay. Life goes on.” And it got to a point where I would want healthy foods. I still remember the day after I ate much more ice cream and cake than I needed, all my body wanted for breakfast was a giant bowl of blueberries. 🙂 It was those kinds of things that really helped me stick with not counting–those little things reaffirmed to me that my body did in fact, know what it was doing and what it wants, and that all I had to do was listen to it.
blackhuff says
I used to eat for size as well instead of health. It was all healthy food but in big portion sizes. So that didn’t help in any way to get the weight under control.
Katie says
Oh Brittany I used to be the same way! I lost 25 pounds a year before our wedding and while I was finally at my happy weight again, I had become so rigid in my eating habits it made me really not fun to be around. I think it will always be something I think about, but I have noticed I have a much happier person if I can eat everything in moderation and possibly be a few pounds heavier, but healthier in the head. Now that we are expecting twins, I won’t lie I’m freaking out a bit about likely gaining more weight…but I’m just trying to remind myself to make healthy choices for the babies now and that it will come off naturally when it is all said and done 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Ah, healthier in the head is such a great way to put it! I’m a lot more fun to be around now, too, then when vodka and diet coke was my drink of choice on the weekends (EW!)
PS- still can’t believe you are having TWINS!!!
Katie says
Yeah we can’t either haha, it is definitely going to be a bit crazy around our house for awhile!
Caitlin says
My story is so so similar to yours, except I’m not quite to where you are and wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop obsessing and let go of the control I have towards what I put in my body. My downfall was MyFitnessPal- similarly to you, I think calorie counting has its place and can be super beneficial, but for me it just created an obsession with numbers and some definite disordered eating issues. Eventually I’ll get to where you are and be able to let go of all the #’s, but this goal is definitely in the far future.
Brittany Dixon says
It sounds like you are on a healthy track to me! It seriously took me years to get where I am, so I know it’s possible, but just takes time. Baby steps 🙂
Jennifer says
I completely agree! I have almost an identical story as yours, found my happy weight the fall of last year (right before I got pregnant). I had never felt so happy, healthy and full of energy. It’s amazing how 1,400 calories of empty foods vs. 1,400 calories of whole real food changes your appearance, health, etc. I was finally at a place (40 pounds lighter) that I could maintain easily and still eat treats on the weekend, or who am I kidding on the week days too and still maintain that healthy weight. I’m not exactly looking forward to getting back to that weight after pregnancy though!! Looking back at your post baby body updates, you would say it took you around 10-12 months to get back?
Brittany Dixon says
I was back to my pre-preg weight at about 6 months, but I was feeling really great about myself way before that. It’s amazing how much respect and love I had for my body after pregnancy. When are you due?
Jennifer says
Wow! 6 months is great, I hope I get back that quickly as well. I’m due August 25th with our first-it’s a girl 🙂
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries says
I definitely had an obsessive-count-every-calorie phase in college. It was no fun! Like you said, once I got past that, it was so freeing.
Beth Sheridan says
I love love this post! I still struggle daily because I feel like I’m 10 pounds more than I need to be in order for me to feel healthy and to be healthy according to everything I read. It’s hard but I’m trying to slowly just eat more healthy and not look at labels for numbers, only ingredients 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Sounds like you’re on a great path! When I feel like I need to hit ‘reset’ I focus on kicking processed carbs to the curb and drink lots of water. Helps me get back on track. I LOVE your idea of just checking ingredients instead of labels. And better yet, eat things that don’t come with labels 😉
Maria says
I’ve only counted calories a couple times and no more than for a few weeks because it simply sucked the joy right out of my life. When you are barely 5′ tall, all the online calorie counters recommend ~1200 calories a day and that is not enough to sustain anyone…no wonder I wasn’t happy! I eat what I’d call a normal healthy diet these days. I indulge on vacations (hello burgers and pepperoni pizza), but my day to day is fairly healthy with some wiggle room. I don’t think about food all the time like I used to and I largely contribute that to just being in a happy place in my life. When you are happy and content, you lose the desire to control something (food/calories) and I’m pretty darn thankful for that.
Brittany Dixon says
I saw your burger pic on instagram and almost licked the screen 🙂
And yes, you are so, SO right about being happy in life allows you to stop the obsessing. I noticed that, too!
Kristen @ notsodomesticated says
That so reminds me of my college experience. I tried to always keep it below 1200 calories … sometimes below 1000! Ugh! Now (when I do a rough count in my head), I’m rarely below 2000! And I’m smaller now than I was in college (well, before I had the baby haha. Right now, I can’t say that that’s the truth!). I can’t believe I ever did that to my body. It makes me hungry just thinking about it!
Brittany Dixon says
The body is amazing, isn’t it? As a health coach I’d often have to get people to eat MORE if they wanted to lose weight. It sounds so counter-intuitive, but it’s amazing how many people starve themselves unnecessarily and unproductively.
Good for you!
Jae says
I’m in a hard place right now. I’ve just done my sophomore year of college at Boston College (a place where EVERYONE IS STICK THIN) and gained 20 pounds. Ten of those pounds were much needed, but I’m SO uncomfortable in my skin right now. I need ten of them to GO. It’s hard for me to go out and face people. I’m coming back from recovering from an eating disorder that has kept me for the past six year, but every time I try to cut out the ‘bad things’ that nutritionists and health experts have reccommended, I dont understand why I dont lose weight. I’ve tried every diet fad in the country, and I’m currently sitting on my butt for a couple of days before I start my summer internship. I cut out diet coke, gum (for the most part), splenda (for the most part), and eat clean foods. Yet, I dont understand why the scale wont budge, why it wont go down and instead go up. I estimate that I eat my bmr ~1400 because going too low would be disastrous to my health, but I honestly dont know what to do. I have ~12 weeks to lose this 10 pounds and I’ve seen nutritionists (fat help they do), but I’m at the end of my rope. I’m eating clean, trying not to count calories too much, and when I get over being sick, am going to do yoga (i used to be a exercise fanatic and I’m trying to get over it). I would love your input on this.
Brittany Dixon says
Hey Jae! I wish I could offer some great help, but it sounds like it might be a little out of my league. I’m sad to hear that it’s hard for you to go out and face people. Your beauty isn’t dependent on the scale and I hope you see how great you are no matter your weight.
I’d recommend going to see a professional, or a combo of professionals. If calorie counting can be a healthy option for you (as in, it won’t consume you), I’d recommend getting your metabolism tested. It can decode the mystery of what your metabolic burn is and help guide you to a sufficient number of calories that will fuel you and allow you to lose weight at a healthy rate.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Lauren B. says
Wow- so I’m not the only one?! ;0)
Sarah @ The Smart Kitchen says
As you know, I’ve been working towards getting to the place where you are. Just sitting here at lunch, eating lunch, I have a general idea about how much I ate, but I was dunking veggies straight into the hummus container, not pre-portioning out amounts, and eating more because I wanted it. I know I make healthy choices for the most part, but I just needed ‘to know.’ I wasn’t even restricting that much. I was definitely eating between 1800 and 2000 calories, if not more, but the number was just a way of having control I guess. I think when life is crazy, that might be the one thing I could manage. Anyways, you continue to be a role model for me, and I thank you for your honesty. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
I used to use measuring cups and tablespoons at every meal. It’s so freeing when you dunk right into the hummus container, isn’t it? I know you are on a healthy trek and think you do better than you give yourself credit for. <3
Hanna says
I love this post. I feel stuck in counting calories and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to eat like you do. I’ve read a few books about intuitive eating and practices it but I feel stuck in the “all or nothing” mentality when it comes to weight loss. I don’t know how to change my eating habits. I would love to learn now so that my little girls will grow up with good eating habits. That’s one of the main reasons I read your blog everyday! I’m hoping to learn how to change my thought process when it comes to food 🙂 thanks for your post!
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you for your kind words, Hanna!
Have you read Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food? It helped me to focus on quality of food over quantity. When I stick to those principles (eat REAL food, not too much, mostly plants), I find that calorie control takes care of itself. Most importantly, changing to intuitive eating isn’t a quick process. At least for me it wasn’t. It takes time to trust your body and to let go of the sense of control that comes with those pesky numbers!
Rachel McIntyre says
I went through a phase for a few years from about the age of 15 when I only thought about size when eating. Health didn’t even come into it. I knew the calories contained in all sorts of prepackaged food. I also never had an eating disorder but I would limit those calories as much as I could.
I gradually learned that it wasn’t necessarily the calories that mattered. What did matter to my body was eating real food, like fruit and veggies.
Now I’m much more concerned with being healthy, not worrying about how skinny (or not) I am. I feel more comfortable with myself and my body than I’ve ever felt and I couldn’t tell you how many calories I consume on an average day.
Amy Cole says
Wow, I relate to this so much but unfortunately I have yet to break free from the counting. I don’t eat many processed foods but still feel the need to count every single thing. I would say I eat very healthy but also for size. I am hoping to have a fresh start when we move out to Charlotte. I will have lots of extra time to fit in running and other activities and hope to wean myself off of the unhealthy, restrictive counting I have become accustomed to.
Brittany Dixon says
Yes, fresh start here in Charlotte! When are you moving? Email me and fill me in on the details 🙂
Kelsey says
Such a great post! I can SO relate. I was counting everything I ate- it was so limiting. I as well am more focused on WHOLE foods and eating healthy. I try to set an example for my daughter who is 21 months to eat healthy and that is ok to indulge on occasion.
katie says
Congratulations on finding the right balance! I’m still working on that for myself. But I love reading your blog for inspiration!
Dawn says
Your typical diet of the past sounds so much like my typical diet of the past! Sooo glad those days are over!
Amanda @runtothefinish says
great post!!! I hope this is a lot of what people will get out of the next challenge I’m hosting, finding the way of eating that allows you to feel good and stay at your happy weight without being so food obsessed.
I agree with the statement, I didn’t have an eating disorder, but disordered eating. Definitely lived that as well and it feels great to not be there!
Brittany Dixon says
What kind of challenge are you hosting? Sounds exciting and motivating! That’s great! 🙂
Amanda @runtothefinish says
Here are the details -http://www.runtothefinish.com/2013/05/ab-challenge-and-clean-eating-challenge.html
It’s a daily email to help provide support in creating a way of eating that allows for optimum health, no diets…just figuring out what works best for each of us individually!
Matt @ The Athlete's Plate says
I definitely eat for health these days. This hasn’t always been the case, like you, but I feel incredible.
Danica @ It's Progression says
I really struggled with numbers (calories and the scale) last year…I’ve since improved dramatically (and am so much happier because of it) but it’s still a work in progress…Being “free” from the numbers though is huge in truly being healthy for me!
Kim @ Racing Bananas says
This really resonated with me. For so long I have been in battle with myself, where I feel like I NEED to count calories or follow a strict diet in order to be healthy. This isn’t the case and makes me feel hungry and angry and ultimately leads to guilt-filled binges. Since I’ve taken a step back and started eating real food, I’ve begun to have a more healthy relationship with food and a better self-image. Thanks for sharing!
Neil Butterfield says
Not a good idea to obsess about numbers like this. Eating healthy trains your body to only eat what it needs and that’s when the magic happens.
Bethany @ One Girl's Taste On Life says
I am currently trying to lose the last 15 of the 70 (you read that right) pounds I packed on with my son. I have been using the My Fitness Pal app to count calories, and it works for me. I do, however, wish I ate a little more cleanly. I try to stay away from processed foods as much as I can, but working 45+ hours a week in retail makes it difficult AND tempting to reach for those bagged goodies (read: Goldfish crackers and pretzels). I am hoping to take a page out of your book and make some rice, lentils, etc from the post you did several weeks ago, but I’m having a hard time planning.
I have also really started to worry I am getting my son into some bad habits, offering him a couple graham crackers when he’s hungry instead of healthier things like yogurt and veggies. I try to do that too, but he’s not always quick to gobble those items down. I have some vacation coming up, which will help me be able to focus on those things. I plan to use your blog as a guide to help encourage healthy habits. Thanks for all you do!
Brittany Dixon says
I worked retail years ago and know how strenuous and tiring it is, so high five to you for trying to focus on health while working your butt off. I really think planning is key. It is for me, at least. Even if you just had a hour to throw together some homemade trail mix (almonds, raisins, chex cereal or cheerios) and chop some veggies (carrots, red pepper) and have that ready for the week might help you feel more on top of it.
My personal (truly just personal, so I don’t know about everyone else) thoughts on kids and snacking is that just like adults, they’ll eat sugary or processed stuff because it tastes good even if they aren’t hungry. I know H would eat graham crackers all day long if I gave them to her. So for snacks, I try to give her (like you said) yogurt and pepper strips or something similar so I know she is eating from hunger and not just because it’s something sugary and tastes good.
The fact that you are thinking about this at all shows you are a great mom, so don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have days where we reach for something convenient over healthy. It’s normal. Just ask my local Papa Murphy’s 😉
Taking little steps towards healthier choices will make you feel a lot better so stock up on the good stuff and set yourself up for success.
Thanks for sharing!
Lou says
thank you for this post – it inspired me to really think about the trap i’ve been in for years of counting and logging everything – every calorie i consume, every minute on the treadmill, every calorie burned according to my HR monitor – it is kind of sad now that i think about how much time and joy it’s killed. and it wasnt even working! it always backfired on me. i am going to try to make a shift in my way of thinking, so thank you!