I’ve enjoyed using these monthly coffee chats in a way to share with you what we’ve been up to. And despite the stay at home orders, we have kept ourselves busy.
Kaitlyn not only learned to ride a two wheel bike, she fell in love with it, so family bike rides have become our new passion hobby. We’re fortunate that the Carolina weather has been perfect for such activities. One day we even went on a long (8.6 miles!) one down to a golf course where we bought hotdogs from the outdoor snack shack for lunch, biked a trail through the woods, and paused to play on a sandy lake-side beach. It was a beautiful day; I told David it felt like vacation.
If I’m going to use these coffee chats the way I intended, as a peek into real life, I’m also going to open up with you about something very hard and personal.
Dad’s cancer has spread. The doctor stopped the Keytruda because it isn’t working. He just began a new immunotherapy combination that my heart is begging to be effective, help Dad to feel good, and give us more time together. After all, Dad has shocked the doctors before.
If you know me in real life you know I can’t say any of this without my voice cracking and tears welling up in my eyes. It’s the most deeply personal and painful thing I’ve ever been through. I don’t like to say that though because my dad says the hardest part of any of this is seeing the hurt in my mom’s, my brother’s, and my eyes.
This is a path we are navigating in real time and nothing has ever felt so raw or real. As someone that shares life openly on here and on social media, I want to be honest with you about what I’m going through. At the same time I’m also going to ask for your understanding as I continue to share a lot of my life, but walk this path more privately.
I’ve learned that emotional pain develops deeper empathy. While I’d like to think I’ve always been a fairly empathetic person, I find myself reminded on a daily basis now just how true it is that every person you see is fighting some kind of unseen battle. It looks different for everyone; some people lash out, others collapse inward, and some people are really good at hiding it. But we all have open wounds or scars that are ever-present despite our need to carry on with daily life. Another reason why kindness is everything. Be kinder than necessary.
I’m also reminded right now that two emotions can exist simultaneously. While we process sadness, fear, and grief, we can also experience joy and laughter. And we should. I’ve given myself permission to cry when I hurt, laugh when something is funny, and continue to love with an open heart, no matter how much pain that may open me up to. Because things only hurt so much when we’ve had the capacity to love so deeply. And that is a gift.
I’ve made up my mind that May is going to be a good month. The sun is going to shine, we have birthdays to celebrate (Dad’s, Kaitlyn’s, my niece’s, and friends’), Mother’s Day is coming, and David and I will celebrate 11 years of doing life together and all the ups, down, twists and turns we’ve had the pleasure of navigating as a team.
I’m sending you a big hug as we head into a new month during this very unusual time for us all. Take care of yourself, and not just in that “take a bubble bath” kind of way. Give yourself space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. Write. Run. Sleep. Sit in the sun. Watch movies with your kids. Snuggle your dog. Make that phone call. Connect. Process. Get off social media. Read. Pray. Meditate. Breathe.
I’ll leave you with this with a quote from L.R. Knost that’s resonated with me lately…
“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”
Joanna says
Brittany, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I have tears reading this. I can see by your posts and your dad’s replies (which I love) just how close you are. You have a very loving family, prayers for your dad’s health and for you all by his side. Thank you for reminding us to take some time to live in the moment and for gratitude. 🙏
Elizabeth T says
Lots of love to you and your family, Brittany, and healing to your dad. Your writing does him great honor in that you often talk about his and your mom’s positive impact on your life and strong values, and it’s so evident the great love your family has for one another. I wish y’all Christ’s Peace.
Kathy says
I too am sorry to read about your dad. I know you all are strong for him and all your love and laughter will help everyone during this time. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
John J. Stathas says
Well said, awesome daughter! May this month be spectacular as we celebrate all the good things in our lives. Bring on the cake!
Jess Mathias says
Brit – I’m so so sorry about your Dad. It’s so obvious the impact that your parents have had on you and your family and how incredibly close you are. I love reading your Dad’s comments as well. Praying for all of you.
Amanda says
Brittany, I’m so sorry about what your dad is going through. Sending love and good wishes to him and your entire family. I experienced a loss last year and took a lot of comfort from this conversation between Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper on how we grow through suffering and what it means to be human. I hope it might be helpful to you too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YB46h1koicQ
Beth Gipson says
I just LOVE the fact that we can see your dad sees your posts and comments all the time 🙂 I lost my dad very suddenly three years ago so I can relate to how precious your time is with him and how fleeting life really is. I will definitely be praying for your whole family 🙂
Maria says
I’m so so sorry to hear about you dad, Brittany. It it unimaginable what you and your family are going through right now (on top of life already being turned upside down) and I admire that you are still living life in the fullest. Keeping all of you in my prayers, always. <3
That bike ride sounds amazing! The amount of joy I now get in the little things these days is 10x what it used to be. Happy to see that it's the same for you.
Lindsey says
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I’ve been praying for him and your family and will continue to keep y’all in my prayers! <3 You're totally right about how going through hard things helps us to become more empathetic – the same is true for me.
Sarah says
I am really, really sorry to hear about your dad. That must be so hard for all of you, but especially him. This has to make an already tough time so much tougher! I will add him and your family back into my regular prayers–praying for strength and peace and wisdom for all of you.
Sarah
L says
I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Sending your family lots of love!
Stephanie says
Sending you all the love and prayers right now! I lost my uncle literally days before everything got locked down. He battled cancer for years and eventually got sick with E-Coli from poor treatment at a physical rehabilitation center (he had surgery on his back) and that ultimately weakened his body and his cancer spread SO quickly. He died within days. Top that off with his wife refusing to give our family any of his mothers wedding rings or anything that was sentimental to our family. It has been SO hard. Your dad is a fighter though. Im praying for him!
This whole coronavirus thing has also thrown me through a loop and on Saturday I deleted my FB and IG apps for a week. I will probably only return to IG as Facebook has become too political and too much in my opinion to see how people think this whole COVID-19 is a joke. I find myself more angry most days so removing from my life so far I have been much happier! Praying for you. <3
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you, Stephanie! And sending a lot of love your way, too <3
I take days off social media some days too and completely agree; it helps to have some space and quiet. Good for you for turning off the noise!
Lauren Brennan says
I am so sorry to read of your heartache… thank you for sharing that with us. Your family will be in my prayers and I love the quote at the end- it’s truly perfect!