Right now I have the porch door open, allowing the first hint of crisp air to breeze in. Fake fall or not, I can feel it reviving me! August and February have very similar energies to me; they both seem to drag on, firmly planted in their respective it’s just so cold or it’s just so hot stances. But gosh I love September.
For us September brings a lot: the return to soccer, theater, co-op, and more. Hailey and I both have birthdays to celebrate. Mine is a big one, 40, and we’re going to spend it exploring Zion National Park. I’m looking forward to it greatly! College football returns, it feels appropriate to decorate with fall colors if I so feel inclined, and soup starts to sound good again.
I’ve had some emotional swings lately. Nothing crazy, just reflective. I’m starting to think this is just the person I’m becoming more and more. The girls asked to see Timehop the other day and a video of three year old Kaitlyn chopping carrots in the kitchen popped up. With a crunch of success she looks up and says “I do it, mama!” and tears sprung to my eyes. Sometimes you don’t realize how much their voices or their ways have matured until you compare it to an old video. Record everything, even the mundane, and make no apologies.
I’ve also thought about dad a lot lately. Timely, since National Grief Awareness Day was yesterday. I was reflecting on how everyone will experience this tangled emotion at some point in our lives. For better or worse, it’s something that connects us all. We all experience the emotion of grief- an intense love with nowhere to go.
I find myself sometimes wondering what life would look like right now if dad was still here. I feel like I can hear him still saying the simple things about simple pleasures like me asking what they’re up to this weekend and hearing him respond with complete contentment that “your mom and I are going to play a round of golf and then we’ll just come back here for the game.”
Gosh how they loved those ordinary days of some fresh air and then just relaxing and being together. Best friends. I remember asking him if he was scared to die, and he would share that he wasn’t scared, but just sad to be leaving the life he loved so much. I miss him for me. I miss him for my brother. I miss him for mom.
The distance between now and the last time I talked with him, in a casual life catch up way, seems like so long ago. I worry that I’m forgetting some of the little things. But I know I remember the big things- values of family and self reflection and gratitude he instilled in us, among other things. I still find myself working him into conversations whenever I can; talking about him, even 3 1/2 years (how?!) after his death, makes me feel close to him.
One thing I know about myself now is that I don’t like to dwell in the negative. However, I have pushed myself lately to take the time to feel, really feel, these things before taking a deep breath and recentering on the beautiful life right in front of me. Change the channel, as dad used to say. I believe that the full spectrum of emotions make us human and I want to experience it all, while always returning to face the sunshine.
So, back to September. In many ways it’s my favorite month- the promise of fall and coziness, but not quite into the fray of it all. I like to drag my feet through this month and so I think I’ll do just that as it begins tomorrow. Light some candles, create the feeling of family and coziness in my home, cook some good food, and soak it all in. Feeling grateful for the people and the life I love so much. Thanks for being part of it; I hope you are well in mind, body, and spirit <3
Joanna says
Beautiful post. I love how you allow yourself to feel it all, you go there but come out on the other side where your blessings are waiting for you. Continue to talk about your dad, especially to the girls, to keep his memory and the stories alive. Our boys were little when my fil suddenly passed away. We always comment, if dad were here to see them growing up, playing soccer, etc. It’s that longing and pain that’s hard but like you said, feel it in the moment and the blessings we are so grateful to have. 💓
Brittany Dixon says
You put it so well- such a bittersweetness in the wistfulness of “if dad were here he’d…” – the funny thing is there are moments we say “he would love this” but then mom, Kris, and I also laugh with teary eyes in the moments where we say “dad would have hated this!” <3 Hugs to you and your family!
Rene says
Brittany, I loved your reflections today, It brought some tears to my eyes. I love your blog and your writing. I wish we were neighbors so we could share a glass of wine and chit chat. The funny thing is, I ran into you at the grocery store and I was shocked that it was you I didn’t know what to say. 🤪🤣. Thank you! for your time and effort you put into this blog.
Brittany Dixon says
Please say hi next time; I’d love to meet you! 🙂 Until then, cheersing you with a virtual glass of wine; I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Jaime says
Loved this post! Brought many feelings to the surface for me. Thanks for sharing!
Betsy says
Wow, this was so emotional and so relatable in many ways! I feel time FLYING lately with my kids too despite my attempts to slow it all down. The quote you shared about grief is beautiful and so true, never thought of it like that before. Hope you have a cozy, lovely September! Thanks for always being so real, love reading your posts 🙂
EmilyS says
This was an absolutely beautiful and poignant post and such a good life reminder. I’m in the hardest season of life I’ve ever been in – my 5 year old is going through cancer treatment. It’s so hard not to get tangled up in the worry of the future and the grief of dealing with this life change. But the reality of it is that most of our days are good and he feels normal – it’s important to focus on that and be present for these normal times even with this monumental cloud hanging over everything.
I am so excited for the energy of fall too!
Brittany Dixon says
Oh wow, that’s a lot, and your ability to share it is inspiring. The treatments they have available today are amazing and able to do so much. I’m praying for you and for him and wishing only for the best things to come for your family <3
SHU says
Cried reading this. Thank you for sharing and I hope there is some comfort to be found in honoring him in sharing these thoughts and memories. I hope you have an amazing Sept!
Ali says
This was a BEAUTIFUL post and so needed-I personally feel like I am in a similar period of life and appreciate your insights so much. Thank you for sharing with us.
Grateful Kae says
Such a touching post! I also turn 40 this fall (October, though) and am super close to my dad. Thankfully my parents are both still with us and healthy… they have a similar sounding relationship to what your parents had- best of friends who love just the simple things in life and hanging out together. Mine are going on 51 years married on Saturday. Reading things like this breaks my heart for you and simultaneously terrifies me, because I can’t imagine my life without them. I’m sorry for the grief you’ve had to go through. I love your dad’s quote to “change the channel”. Sounds like he was a very wise man.
Enjoy your September! It is one of my favorite months too, though for me October takes the cake usually. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
He was the wisest; helped countless people through his therapy private practice; was so grateful to have him as my dad and get all that therapy for free 🙂
Happy early birthday to you! And a very happy 51 years to your parents; what an incredible and admirable milestone! <3
Julie @ Peanut Butter Fingers says
I love reading about your dad. Thank you for sharing your memories with us and for continuing to be so open. I am soaking up your words in a new way (as you know Ryan’s dad passed and it’s been a lot) and I find myself thinking so much more about aging parents in general and the worry, anxiety and stress that comes along with all of that. You’ve navigated your grief in such an honest way and I truly believe you sharing your experience means more to many of us out there than you realize. <3
Brittany Dixon says
Thank you, Julie. I remember reading Christina from Carolina Charm going through losing her dad and feeling the same gut-wrenching feelings. I’ve come away from my experience with a certainty that the best thing we can do is love our people hard anytime we are with them, that’s what will bring the ultimate comfort and happy memories; and I know you do that so well! <3
Karlie says
Such a beautiful reflection. I know it’s a different stage of life, but my senior year of college has me relating to the “emotional swings” too. I’ve had to accept that it just comes with the territory and lean into it! If you ever feel up to it or think it would be helpful, I’d love a post about your dad and his life’s story. I think I remember reading at one point that he was almost a Catholic priest?! It sounds like he was incredible man and you and your family are very blessed to have had him in your life ❤️