I could just title this 2020 couldn’t I?

Let’s suppose you asked me this simple question- how are you doing, Brittany?

Short answer? I’m doing alright; hanging in there!  👍🏼

Now let me descend into a diatribe of what’s happening in my mind lately.

Most days I bounce along my business as usual. As a seven on the enneagram (I know this now, but didn’t always), I like to be busy and distracted. It makes me truly happy to have my days filled (as long as I’m the one choosing what to fill them with). 

But sometimes I get caught in these moments. Some (most, lately) are triggered by grief randomly sneaking up and smacking me in the face.

For example, I was on a walk with the girls last week on a beautiful, gorgeous, fall day. They had their baby dolls in a stroller and I was admiring the changing leaves.

Then whack. My brain decides to ponder on my age and stage of life and wonder what were my parents like at this age and stage. I was there, of course, but as a child. I would love to know them well at this age and stage when they were parenting young children, too- ask them questions, laugh with them, see them in their healthy and happy normal lives. To hug them, play them in tennis, grab a beer with them… And then- tears.

Tears for how much I miss my dad. Tears for life’s speed. Tears for worry that I’m not appreciating all the things I do have enough and that something or (shudder) someone is going to be taken from me again.

I know that’s grief. I am still learning everyday how to navigate it. Some days I do better than others.

//Changing gears//

We’re decorating for fall right now. My mums have bloomed into an amazing sight that I just sit and stare at sometimes. They’re so beautiful!

I love this time of year and I love our home. But we weren’t supposed to be living here right now. Do I believe things worked out this way with our best interest in mine and that this change will ultimately be in our favor? I do. I truly do. However, it’s weird to be living in a place and year we didn’t plan for.

Years of planning and saving and decision making kind of just fizzled into this… purgatory. We still have plans; they’re just delayed, I guess. 

So I focus on the day I’m in. If I’m really centered, the moment I’m in. 

I have so many incredible moments and things I am deeply grateful for. This year just looks nothing like it was supposed to. I’m accepting that and just trying to figure out what it’s going to look like next. When really, I suppose, I should just be learning that none of us really have true control over what comes next.

That’s such a tough place to be sometimes- learning to accept we can’t control things but still working hard to reach for the goals we want. I guess it’s about getting comfortable with the combination of working for what you want and hoping God meets us half way.

I’m feeling all the emotions today. While somedays I’m inspired to share dinners that have worked well or fun outings we’ve had, some days I’m just not. And today is one of those days. So instead, here’s this- a peek into my messy mind.

If no one has asked you to elaborate on the “how are you doing” question lately, maybe grab a journal and ask yourself. It is therapeutic, even if it doesn’t all flow coherently. Maybe I should be doing that in a notebook instead of an online outlet, but for the sake of the heart of blogging, which will always be connecting with people for me, I’m sharing this mess.

I hope you are finding a way to deal with this year and whatever it brought into or took from your life, too.

And let this serve as a reminder to us all that we can feel two things at once. We can let both exist. We can hurt and experience joy. We are resilient, but we don’t have to be strong in every moment. Sending you love and strength to take on this day 💜