It’s been apparent to me lately how often I lump my girls together.

It’s easy to do, really. They’re both girls, they’re relatively close in age (2 years and 9 months apart) and we’ve always done so much together. Errands, activities, travel, school, meals, adventures. We’ve kind of always moved through life as a little pack. And I love that.

But lately I’ve felt a little tug on my heart reminding me that while they are sisters, and while we do a lot together as a family, they are also very much their own people. They have very different personalities, unique love languages, and are in their own distinct life stages, despite their seemingly close ages.

So last week, I decided to be a little more intentional about carving out one-on-one time with each of them.

They both needed a few things for camp, and instead of making one big day of it where the three of us tackled the list together, I split it into two separate outings. One day with H. One day with K. It was nothing too fancy; just errands, lunch, (OK, and playing with make up with H!), conversation, and the space to let each girl be fully herself without competing to speak over each other (which can tend to happen on these kinds of outings when we’re all together.)

And my goodness, I’m so glad I did.

Even though they aren’t that far apart in age, they are in such different seasons right now. K is in that middle school/tween space, a true blend between little kid (still loves making potions) and teenager (navigating friendships), while H is standing right on the edge of something that feels pretty big: high school.

How did we get here? No really, I’d like to know. Heart squeeze.

I made some notes ahead of time of topics that I wanted to touch on. It’s hard when you still look at your child like a child, but in reality, they are growing up and you feel like you have limited time to talk about some of the heavier topics- friendships, relationships, values, choices, handling situations they might find themselves in, etc. These are topics I want to make sure we have a chance to chat about before they arise.

I’ve read and listened to enough child psychology to know that with teens, it’s more about coaching and less about dictating. For that, it’s better to guide their own thoughts than to lecture. So, I tried to ask more questions than I answered.

And you know what? It went better than I expected. I was surprised by a few of their responses; it turns out they are both pretty open when given the opportunity. We didn’t get through every big topic, but we combed through several. It made my mama heart happy to be privy to some of their deeper thoughts and feelings.

One thing I find to be true is that these conversations don’t always need to be heavy and eye to eye to be meaningful. In fact, I think it’s better when they’re not. I like the “slow drip” approach to heavier topics- lots of small conversations peppered throughout our regular days. Sometimes our best convos happen in the car, over lunch, walking through Target, or while watching a movie or reading a book when a great situation to discuss arises.

If you’re in the same stage, here are a few questions I loved asking — and will probably keep asking — as we step into this next season.

What are you most excited about for high school?

I know, this feels like an obvious place to start, but sometimes the obvious questions are the best ones to kick off a conversation.

Maybe she’s excited about more independence. Maybe it’s sports, clubs, harder classes, new friends, or just the feeling of being older. One of H’s answers was an elective class she’s signed up for, which I knew sounded cool but had no idea she was that pumped about it.

Whatever the answer is, it gives a little glimpse into what she values and what she’s looking forward to.

What are you most nervous about?

An easy follow up, the other side of the coin. Maybe it’s making friends. Maybe it’s navigating a bigger environment. Maybe it’s academic pressure, social pressure, or simply the fear of the unknown.

The tough part about this question for me is holding back and not just jumping in to try and fix everything, as much as my mom instincts would like to try. It’s about letting her know she doesn’t have to carry those concerns alone, and having her brainstorm strategies that may help in that given situation.

What kind of friends do you hope to have?

This is such an important topic. We spend a lot of time talking about choosing good friends; they understand the importance of who and what you surround yourself with, but I like this question because it turns the conversation into something more reflective.

What qualities matter to her? Someone who makes her laugh? Someone who studies hard, too? Likes to read? Includes others? Someone who doesn’t make everything feel dramatic?

What do you think makes someone a good friend?

This is one of my favorite questions, especially if the answer to the previous question is something basic, like “I hope I have nice friends.” This question naturally leads into conversations about character. We went back and forth on this one, each sharing qualities we thought made for a good friend.

Some examples: A good friend celebrates your successes. A good friend tells the truth. A good friend respects your boundaries and doesn’t pressure you.

And a solid follow up question- what kind of friend do you want to be?

What do you think girls your age most often get wrong about relationships?

I like this one because it removes the spotlight a little. My girls haven’t entered the relationship world yet but they have a few friends who have boyfriends so they’ve heard tidbits about what dating/relationships look like at the 13/14 year old level.

Instead of making it feel too personal too fast, or asking her to imagine scenarios she hasn’t yet experienced, this question has her think about what she has observed. Maybe she’ll mention valuing a boyfriend over friendships. Maybe she’ll talk about people confusing attention with affection. Maybe she’ll bring up the way someone can ignore red flags because a person is cute or popular.

And you can always follow up with the other side of the coin- what makes a good dating relationship? I think it can be helpful to have them verbalize some of these characteristics before they are in these situations themselves.

My dad (a licensed family, marriage, and relationship psychologist) always talked about the 10Q list- 10 qualities that you look for in a significant other. And how it was important to have that list hammered out before you got googly-eyed over a charismatic sweet talker.

While I don’t really need my 12 year old writing a list of what she will look for in a boyfriend one day, it’s nice to start planting some of these seeds early on of what traits you look for in others, whether in a friendship or future relationship.

What would make you walk away from someone, no matter how much you liked them?

This might be the most important one. Long before my kids find themselves in difficult situations, I want them thinking about their boundaries. What is a deal breaker for them?

Would they walk away from dishonesty? Disrespect? Manipulation? Pressure? Someone making them feel less like themselves?

I want them to know their standards before they are tested by them. I want my girls to know they never have to earn love, friendship, or approval. I want them to know it isn’t their job to fix anyone. I want them to be a combination of kind and compassionate, but also stand strongly in their own beliefs. And my gosh, that feels like a hard thing to encourage without launching into lectures, but I’m trying.

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For me, it’s easy to feel the pressure that every meaningful conversation needs to include a perfectly worded response, but I’m trying to let go of that. For one thing, I’m much better at writing than off the cuff speaking. Also, it isn’t my job to have all the answers.

Often with tweens and teens, our job is simply to ask thoughtful questions, listen carefully, gently guide, and stay plugged in.

I’d love to hear how you’ve navigated some of these tween and teen conversations. What questions have you asked that led to insightful conversations?