Parenting tween girls, specifically, since that’s what I have and what I know. At the time of publishing, H is 12 and K is 9. I usually feel like 9 is a little young for a tween label, but with factoring in personality type, I might argue my younger child is more of a tween than my older child at times!
I’ve wanted to chat parenting tweens for a while, but have been slow to do so mainly out of respect for their privacy. Sharing developmental milestones and parenting hurdles is different at this age. It feels more personal than sharing a nap schedule or feeding update of a toddler. But I think there is a way I can share some of my experience without crossing any lines I’m uncomfortable with, so with that, let’s talk tweens!
How we’re doing…
Tween Girl Clothing
Abercrombie is our current go-to for jeans, tops, and sweaters. Though one of my children typically prefers running shorts and a t-shirt everyday, she will happily wear Abercrombie for it’s comfort and cuteness. I find it holds up fairly well, too. I shared her go to picks for fall here.
My younger tween is into fashion and honestly does a pretty good job of putting items together I would never think of and rocking it. She is the fortunate recipient of a lot of hand me downs from both her sister and a friend, so she has a wide variety without having to shop much. I’m not sure where I’ll shop for her most when the need arises, so I’m grateful for the full closet for now.
I polled IG and asked where people were buying clothes for their tweens girls that felt, well, appropriate. The top responses were: Athleta Girl, Nordstrom Rack, Abercrombie, Aerie, Old Navy, Zara, Kohl’s, Ruth and Naomi, H&M, and Tilly’s.
Tween Hygiene
Bodies start to change at this age and it’s been one of the trickier categories for me to navigate. I want them to feel comfortable making choices for their own bodies and not having to fit in with societal norms (I don’t care if you want to shave your legs at this moment or not), but also want to guide them into a world where a little experience and advice is helpful (I really wish I would have known how to properly dry my hair in the 7th grade and avoided the triangle head hairdo I rocked for 2-3 years).
Some things are non negotiable, like basic hygiene. Yes, you must shower, wash your hair regularly, and brush your teeth. You must wear deodorant (I buy Primally Pure for them – AHEALTHYSLICE10 will get you 10% off). You must splash water on your face in the morning to get rid of any eye crusties. The basics.
The next level gets tricker. I help with hair removal solutions upon request. I’ve offered tips for things like zits (and share these miracle patches). One wants to wear make up and one does not, but for right now, neither are allowed to wear it out of the house, though we do go to Sephora and play around sometimes! I help blow dry hair when asked. I purchase undergarment options for the recipient to decide which works best under which shirts. I do my best to maintain open lines of communication and they know they can come to me with any question or request.
As for periods, I’m not going to get into much detail here. However, I feel it’s always a good thing to be prepared. I talk fairly openly about my personal experience with my monthly cycle. I want them to understand in their teen and young adult years how the female cycles works, how to best support it, what you may be feeling during the different phases, etc. As far as mechanics, is a great one to have on hand, as is a couple pairs of regular and overnight absorbent underwear options, like Knix.
Technology with Tweens
This is the age I’ve really noticed the wide range of how parents handle it. I can speak to what works for us. Neither girl has a cell phone and won’t for the foreseeable future. We run the “what’s the benefit?” test by a lot of decisions and just don’t see any need for them to have a phone at these ages. That being said, we did purchase an old school flip phone with a basic plan as a third line and will lend that out to the girls as needed (if dropped off at a practice or pet sitting for example). There is only call and text, no internet.
Both girls have iPads and computers, but neither can be used at their whim, outside of music. They can always play music or listen to a story. When they do have time on them outside of math and writing, they like to use them for things like looking up crafts, playing games, and searching for science or cooking videos. We just started letting them have access to YouTube Kids. All technology is used in the common room where we can peek in whenever.
We prefer watching shows and movies to be a shared experience, so when they want to watch one of those, we play it on the living room TV; it’s just more fun to laugh together.
I won’t say much about how we will handle technology in the coming years because we aren’t there yet, but right now this is working well.
Parent/Tween Relationship
I love being with my tweens. Are there some higher emotions? Yes. Though I’d argue my 9 year old has moodier swings than my 12 year old many times. I remind myself that the important thing to remember is not to take everything personally as a parent. Their job at this age is to manage these new hormonal swings, push boundaries (that need to be reinforced), and learn to take on new responsibilities. Knowing that mom and dad are a safe constant, not shaken by their emotional swings, gives them the confidence they need to lean into this new stage of development.
Tweens are fun. They aren’t too cool for school yet and are full of curiosity and energy. Now we like to read and experience more things that we both enjoy, like reading Hunger Games together, watching Wednesday, and playing spa. I feel like I have two little besties sometimes when I show them a new make up product or body oil I got. They also can take on real responsibility (please get dinner started before I get home) and be genuinely helpful.
Dads are so important at this age, too, and I love watching David be a tween dad. He does it so well. He doesn’t shy away from continuing the connection he’s always had with the girls. While I might bond with them through cooking and reading and walks, he bonds with them through showing them how to shoot a bow and arrow, use the circular saw, and mow the lawn.
My goal for parenting has always been to enjoy each stage with them, guide them with truth, embrace changes of seasons as they come, and let go when appropriate. So far this strategy has kept us close and my hope is that it will continue through the teens years as we continue to support their walk toward adulthood.
Tween Responsibilities
I’m learning as I go in this category, trying to balance how I show love (largely by caretaking) and teaching responsibility. A couple weeks ago I realized I was basically cooking three meals a day for us and decided that probably was going past reasonable and into an enabling behavior. So I made the announcement that they’d be making their own breakfast on the weekdays from here on out. There was some moaning and groaning the first day or so, but dare I say they’ve embraced it now? They won’t admit it, but there is pride that comes with responsibility and I think they’ve both felt it as they’ve fully taken over their breakfast time routine.
Core responsibilities my tweens have: getting themselves up, making breakfast, washing their dishes, getting themselves ready for the day (dressed, hair, teeth), school work, moving their body each day (running, trampoline, playing outside, whatever), doing their own laundry, and helping with a happy heart when asked.
Additional responsibilities being added: practicing as necessary for commitments (piano, theater lines, etc), pet sitting, helping neighbors. I’m working on enforcing the idea of integrity and to meet a need when they see a need without having to be asked.
I think that’s a pretty good overview of parenting tweens at the moment! If you’re in the midst of tweendom right now, how is it treating you? Mamas ahead of me- what are the teen years like? And mamas not yet at this stage- did I miss anything that would be helpful to touch on? I love hearing how other parents do things! For all parenting-focused posts, visit my parenting page!
Leah says
Ok I would LOVE to hear more about the laundry thing. My oldest is 9 so I only have one in this age range. But I am DROWNING in laundry. I also know I am 100% enabling when it comes to responsibilities because sometimes it’s just easier to do it myself. What is the process? How do you make sure they get it done etc?
Brittany Dixon says
One of my kids is super good with it- brings it down when she’s running low on clothes, washes, dries it, folds it (usually has to be reminded here), and puts it away. The other one it takes a lot more of me reminding. Sometimes she does it on her own when it’s overflowing and sometimes I put it on her to do list for the day (you NEED to do your laundry so get a load started). Then I switch it to the dryer for her, but then she knows she has to fold and put it up before she is allowed to do anything else. Sometimes I let them watch or listen to something while they fold, as long as they are actively working on it. Other than that, I think it’s just setting the expectation that- hey, this is on your plate now 🙂
Mary says
I love that they do this. I have a tween who does not see the value in putting her clothes away. I wash, dry and fold and indicate my expectation that when I place on her bed, she will put away. And she doesn’t. Despite my nudges, and gentle reminders and then just letting her deal with the consequences of it not being put away. But she feels no incentive to do it! It will stay there for a week! I don’t want her to think “Mom will eventually do it if I wait long enough.” So I don’t. And then I get super frustrated because it eventually ends up on her floor unfolded in a tangle. And she steps all over it. I’m not sure how to “convince”? “make”? her do this. Not sure saying, “You can’t come out of your room until it is put away” would work either as it would just create more angst around the task. I have also tired just letting her live this way and shutting the door but that doesn’t seem right either 🙂 I don’t have a good consistent strategy. Has this ever come up for you?
Brittany Dixon says
My youngest struggles with keeping her room tidy and it drives me bonkers. Just like you described- clothes and things all over the floor and she’ll step all over it. Hers are usually clothes that she has tried on and didn’t bother rehanging/putting away.
I don’t have a strategy perse since we are still working through this ourselves, but natural consequences seem to be working sometimes. For example: she can’t find the shirt she wants or runs out of clean underwear and has to do an emergency load. The biggest natural consequence is that I don’t buy her new clothes because I remind her that she already has more than she can manage.
Oh! One other thing that has helped is putting a basket in her room for clothes that no longer fit or she no longer likes. I think some of the problem stems from trying on clothes that don’t work for her anymore.
When her clothes are washed and dried, I do sometimes help her put them away if there is a ton to hang up, or sometimes I’ll just go up there with her and ask her to show me where everything goes. Then she’ll proudly put it all away.
Ok, that was long and rambly but yes, I’ve been there! 🙂
Al says
With the laundry….Mine started doing their own at age 8. As far as it being easier to do it myself, I am guilty of that. But, my main job is to prepare them for life. So I wean off of reminders…. At age 8, you got a lot. By the eventually, it’s all on you (especially to initiate). If you forget and then you have no clean socks, I guess you’ll have to problem solve!!! And I guarantee they’ll get better at remembering. Mine – 15 & 12- albeit both girls – now know that there’s a day of the week that they prefer to do it….
Oh and if it sits unfolded for day… I guess they are wearing it wrinkled, re-washing, or learning for next time.
If it sits folded, it just bugs me, but I’ve tried to let that go!
Occasionally, when I make them a “to do” list on a random weekday off or on the weekend, I will add laundry to the list. If I know they’re falling behind on tasks/chores, a visual reminder helps. My 15-year-old now makes her own lists now and it’s great to see that evolution. It used to be my paper list, then her own paper list and now she uses an app and adds to the list all day long.
Jennifer Mennella says
My daughter is turning 11 next week and a lot of this post rings true for our lives currently. Just this morning we were besties but then I didn’t allow her to go to school with her friend and instead we walked an this turned her into an enemy. lol. The mood changes! My boys got phones at 6th grade but I may wait a little longer with her since i think the phones and social media are the absolute devil for this age. Also whats the obsession with serums and sephora? I dont get it
Brittany Dixon says
Oh those mood swings… happen out of nowhere sometimes, don’t they? Ha!
Also, I feel similarly about social media and kids. I just don’t see any benefit!
Lisa Dyer says
Thank you for sharing this! I have 11 & 14 year old girls, and can relate to so much…they are so fun, and I 100% agree with embracing each phase. 🥰
SHU says
love this post! Also feel like Abercrombie kids does a great job of being trendy/stylish but still cute and higher quality. A likes it 🙂 C only wants to wear athletic wear (Nike, Adidas, UA, etc) – I think that’s a normal boy thing..
I need to work on the escalating responsibilities thing! Thankfully some things they *want* to take over (A prefers to make her own lunch for school) but other things I feel like they may need a gentle push in the direction of independence. There is a lot peer pressure around devices. A asks us daily for an iPhone – haven’t allowed it yet, but likely will soon. (No social media though! HARD NO for now!)
oh and makeup! we do allow her to wear it. At first I kind of said no but when she asked me to justify i honestly had trouble so . . . makeup it is. The only annoying part is that now my makeup seems to be “our” makeup . . . lol
Sally says
This is such a great post!
Thanks
Jennifer says
Do you decide what the breakfast options are each day or do they?
Brittany Dixon says
I ask them before I go shopping for the week what they want. It’s usually the same thing- bagel with cream cheese cheese and fried egg. Mandarin oranges, too. Then they eat the same thing every day for that week. If they want to change it up, they have to tell me before I go shopping the next time.
Laura says
This is a great idea! You inspired us to turn breakfast over to them, starting tomorrow! I’m a teacher at their school, so we are out the door early, but I love the idea of setting them up for success.
And yes to laundry! I do not have time, and mine have been doing it since first grade. Usually works well, except for when my sweet boy washed ALL of his uniform shorts with a black crayon in the pocket… Whoops!
Thanks for such an honest post. So much good info shared!
Laura says
Tweens and teens are such an interesting, complex bunch. After 13 years of teaching grades 7th and 8th and adding 6th grade last year, I’ve noticed a somewhat predictable progression. Sweet (6th), Saucy (7th), and Stoic (8th) with the girls often progressing faster and/ or earlier than the boys. Of course, I have stoic 6th graders, students that never outgrow the saucy, and sweet 8th graders. Saucy for some is energetic and fun in class, and for others downright mean, unregulated, and practically intolerable. Stoic can come off as quiet, mature, and responsible for some, or shutdown for others. Some of the most difficult changes are when you have a full of life 6th or 7th grader, chipper and beaming with enthusiasm and confidence, and then you see them the next year and they will barely make eye contact and want to be left alone with their hoodie up and earbuds in. A challenging time, for sure! Social media and electronic device addiction is a huge problem for a majority of middle schoolers, but seems to hit the girls hardest, with video gaming often the boys biggest vice… although vaping and drugs continues to also be a problem in middle school as well.
You are doing great at setting boundaries and staying relevant and present in your girls lives! It becomes a bit more muddied when students are hit daily with peer influence at school and they see “all of their friends with x, y, z”. I’m still not sure how I’ll handle all of this with my own boys as they approach the middle years, but I do feel good that I have an insiders look of what is going on in schools and among the age group.
Taryn McLean says
Our kids are similar ages (12 and 10) and we are nowhere near phones either. I like the idea of a flip phone to keep at home when they need to be left home alone for short periods.
We are big into responsibilities. They both do their own laundry and are required to make breakfast and lunch during the weekdays. My 12 year old unloads the dishwasher every morning. We also have chickens so they have to feed, water, and collect eggs. They get a portion of the egg money which is a big motivator. My husband always says anytime I do something for them that they can do themselves I am doing them a disservice 🙂
Kelli H says
Loved this post. Super insightful. We have a lot of similarities so I love reading this and having it as a guide on what to expect and how I can navigate those years. I have some ideas on how to handle it but you never know until you’re there! I can imagine I’ll have to stop cooking three meals a day for them and have them make their own breakfasts or pack their own lunches.
Brittany Dixon says
It’s a battle sometimes between wanting to mother them and knowing they need to learn to do more for themselves. One I’m figuring out as I go along, too 🙂