Currently the girls and I are down in Georgia visiting my mom and dad while my bathroom is being demolished. We always have a great time down here, and with my sweet niece visiting too, it’s like a full on girly slumber party. Similar to a slumber party, I didn’t much sleep last night. Hailey was up at 1:00 needing to go potty, Kaitlyn woke up at 3:30 to eat, then again at 5:30 with her jammies soaked through. I changed her diaper, put her in new jammies and decided to lay in the bed to nurse her back to sleep… until she peed again, through the diaper, onto me and on the bed. Glorious. From there on, we were up so it will be interesting to see how the day goes.
This is one of those mornings that moms like to cheers their coffees together, commiserating over puffy eyes and slow-working brains. No doubt that I have both today, but fortunately I also have a little perspective. Sure being a mom is tiring and stressful some days but it also fills me with more joy than I ever imagined and I remind myself daily how grateful I am for the sleepless nights and soaked jammies.
A few weeks ago a reader named Lauren reached out to me. She candidly shared her story with me about her battle with infertility. She asked that I might help shine some light on this struggle that so many women face on my blog. Her words touched me. I was worried, though, that I wouldn’t be able to do the topic justice. Since I write largely about my first hand experiences here, in journal-fashion, I didn’t want to be insensitive enough to pretend I understood the struggle, frustration and pain that women dealing with infertility face, so I asked Lauren if she would be open to writing something for me to share. I was thrilled when she said yes, as I believe women opening up, sharing our struggles and leaning on each other for support is powerful. And with that, I turn it over to Lauren…
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I was always the responsible one in both my group of friends and amongst my siblings. Always planning ahead and make sure things were taken care of. So naturally after I married my husband we thought it best to wait to have children until we felt financially ready (I know the seasoned parents out there got a chuckle out of that one). After we had been married for four years we decided we were ready. Most of our friends had one or two children at this point and we needed to catch up. So in December of 2012 the “fun” began. I had been tracking my Basal Body Temperature prior to this so we knew when to avoid sex, now I had the chance to put that information to good use. I not only knew when I ovulated but what signs to look for, I had thought to myself this is going to be a piece of cake. I had also started using Ovulation Predictor Kits those first few months, so I had an arsenal of things telling me when I needed to have sex to get pregnant. Much to my dismay time passed, one month, two, five, ten…trying became efficient and tiring. If someone suggested it we tried it, acupuncture, herbs, gluten free, standing on my head drinking pomegranate juice (ok the last one isn’t true but if I thought it would’ve worked I would’ve done it).
For everyone else, chances are you know someone who is struggling with infertility. They may not have “come out” to you yet but they’re out there, remember infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. There are some great resources out there for you too, websites to help you understand the procedures and medical talk, and of course things not to say. However, I also want to help you understand what to say. Some examples are below:
Your friend or loved one will direct the conversation how they see fit. Some days they’ll want to talk, vent, or cry. Other days they may want to be left alone. The emotions that accompany infertility come in waves. For me most days are good, I can talk about it, see pregnancy announcements, and hang out with my friends kids. But then there are the other days, when the littlest things hit me like a ton of bricks and all I want to do is cry (and drink some wine). The best thing you can do is check in with them regularly, let them know you’re there if they need to talk, and please don’t ever say “just relax”. Infertility is a medical diagnosis, one that cannot be cured by relaxing, drinking wine, or taking a vacation (trust me I would have a baseball team if any of this was true). What they need is your compassion and understanding, not your solutions and anecdotes.
http://www.resolve.org/
https://www.facebook.com/
http://www.resolve.org/
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Thank you so much Lauren for sharing your journey. I have no doubt it will help others in their personal journeys.
Lauren says
Thank you so much for sharing my story! I hope others share their stories too, not just this week but every week. I also hope it will bring some understanding to those that have never experienced infertility and some comfort to those that have, know you are not alone.
Cynthia says
Lauren, thank you so much for sharing this!! My husband and I have been trying for almost three years. We have had numerous consults and I have been through surgery. It’s so incredibly hard. We may be at the point where we consider adoption. In my head, I know that I will be a parent one day and if it’s by adoption then I will be fine. But I just can’t let go of the image in my head of being pregnant and giving birth to a baby of my own. Like you and your husband, we didn’t start trying until we had been married for four years. At this point, we felt like we were both financially and emotionally ready for babies. I guess I was naive because I felt like it would happen automatically. It is so hard to see all the pregnancy announcements on FB, especially by people who I know weren’t even trying. I know it isn’t their fault that they were able to have a baby so easily while I can’t, but I still feel so incredibly jealous and resentful when that happens. It just breaks my heart all over again. What really sucks is when people who don’t know we are trying ask us why we don’t have kids yet. It just sucks. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It feels good to know I am not alone. 🙂
Lauren says
Cynthia, I know exactly what you mean. I always thought I would be ok with adopting because my husband is adopted. But I know if that time came I would have to grieve the loss of not being able to have a biological child. Each part of this struggle involves a grieving process I’ve found.
Those announcements sure can sting. When I see one I try to remind myself that they are not having “my baby”, there are not an finite number of babies to be born and one will be mine one day.
I’ll be thinking of you, I hope you are able to proceed with whatever decision makes you most comfortable.
Lauren
Courtenay says
Brittany, THANK YOU!! You are the first company I’ve seen this week mention that it’s infertility week. Sad, that it just has to be one week to recognize Infertility, but thank you for sharing Lauren’s story! I, too, have unexplained infertility and know first hand Lauren’s struggles. My husband & I have been trying for 6 years, now; Have had 9 IUI’s, one surgery, (2) HSG’s, plus, let’s not forget all of the medicines, shots and blood work!
Lauren says
Ugh, 2 HSG’s, high five from me for making it through those. I’m hoping I don’t have to ever repeat that. I laugh that all this will help make child birth feel like a breeze. I’m looking at doing an injectables cycle next, and considering my husband is very squeamish, I am not looking forward to it.
Good Luck to you!
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul says
Thank you so much for sharing your story Lauren! I have never had a baby or tried to have a baby so I have no idea what this feels like but I hope you get your positive pregnancy test, and resulting beautiful baby soon! <3
Lauren says
Thank you!
Ashley D says
Thank you so much for sharing Lauren. It is amazing how many people go through this. My husband and I have one child, but have been trying for about 18 months for another one. We had a miscarriage earlier in the year and it was devastating and is still difficult to talk about at times. I try not to get down because we do have one amazing child, but like you I feel like our family is incomplete . I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking about you.
Lauren says
Ashley,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it is so hard to waiver between being thankful for your current child and devastated for the others you wanted to bring into your family. You still experience the grief of the loss of the family you imagined for yourself. I’ll be thinking of you, good luck on your journey.
Lauren
Brittany says
Thanks so much for sharing your story Lauren and thanks to Brittany for highlighting the issue!
Elizabeth says
Such a smart idea to escape while the remodel is going on. Great perspective on infertility. Such a common thing nowadays
Heather@hungryforbalance says
I am so glad you posted this! Infertility is such an important topic that is so rarely discussed. My husband and I had to through numerous procedures and treatments for a few years before I could get pregnant with our daughter. The constant worrying is terrible and exhausting. We have been extremely lucky to have had our healthy little girl.
Lauren says
Heather,
I’m glad you were able to find success after infertility! It’s always promising to hear about others success stories.
Best to you,
Lauren
lauren says
thank you so much to Lauren and Brittany for sharing this post, it absolutely could not have come at a more perfect time for me. My husband and I have been struggling to conceive for about a year and a half now, and I just got off the phone with my doctor discussing “next steps.” I am the only one of my friends without kids, and I wish I could send this to everyone I know. It is such a hard subject both for those going through it, and for well meaning friends who are trying to help, but they just don’t get it. Thank you for sharing!!
Lauren says
We are in the same spot in that all of our married friends have kids, either 2 or 3! So we’ve been lapped a few times. I’ve also been given some interesting advice as to how to get pregnant from well meaning friends. Good luck to you in your next steps. If you have any questions about testing, procedures, or are having a rough day please shoot me an email!
Lauren
a morning grouch says
Thanks so much for including the link to my post. Infertility is soooo hard and the struggle lasts so long, Each day feels like an eternity. Lots of hugs to all those out there who need it (and there are a LOT out there)
Colette says
lauren thank you for sharing your story so eloquently and bravely and Brittany thanks for sharing your space to highlight the issue today. It just really goes to show everyone is fighting a battle, you just can’t assume, and we really need to be mindful of those who may be struggling with infertility. Big virtual hugs!
Jenelle says
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I struggled with infertility for two and a half years before becoming pregnant with twins, and then losing one of our babies. I was incredibly open about my entire journy with all of those in my life, as I found it easier to talk about it than keep it a secret. I hope that you continue to share your story, as knowledge is power and the more women (and men) talk about the issue, the more awareness can be raised. I also enjoyed your comments on what to say and what not to say. The largest struggle for me was emphasizing the fact that getting pregnant will not “just happen”, and like you said, is a medical diagnosis. Thanks again for sharing!
Lauren says
I’m so sorry for your loss Jenelle. I hope that I’ll reach at least a few people that will think twice before making an insensitive comment in the future.
Rituparna says
We all have our fights. It is a brave thing to speak about this and the information shared will be helpful for many. Having gone through IVF thrice myself, I do understand every feeling. It is such a tough thing and it really makes me sad and angry when people told me,”Oh! You’ve just done it twice, I know an aunt who did the procedure 8 times before she conceived.”
BTW the whole concept of infertility in India is totally screwed. One of the few regions where the country is still in the stone age. Not technology wise, mind set wise.
Lauren says
Kudos for you for handling IVF on three separate occasions. I’m sure the emotions that are involved are even more overwhelming when it comes to IVF. But who can afford to go through it 8 times! I guess it goes to show some peoples determination to build their family a specific way. I’m sorry you have to work against others stone age mind sets, good luck to you!
Monica says
Thank you for sharing your story!
I hope this is okay to say, but don’t lose hope!
I have two good friends… one had multiple surgeries, multiple IVF’s, multiple miscarriages, but after 5 years of hell, basically, had a perfect baby boy who is now 2 years old!
My other friend was told by several doctors for FIFTEEN years that she was unable to have children, and never would. Point blank. No hope. Last summer, she had a very invasive surgery to remove a brain mass, and within a few months, found herself very unexpectedly pregnant. Her doctors can’t explain it! She’s due… well, this week, actually!