Picky eater? What?
I know, I know, I show lots of pictures like this:
Then come on here and call her picky.
But the truth is that she can be picky, or rather, opinionated. Let’s be honest, she’s three and opinions are pretty much her thing right now.
I’ve just been feeling a bit disingenuous in regards to the image I’m projecting. I don’t want y’all to think I serve every meal to a child full of excitement to cram cauliflower down her throat.
Often enough I’ll serve her dinner and after a few bites she declares that she does not like XYZ. It happens regularly enough right now that I thought I’d share how I handle those times rather than pretending that they don’t exist.
1. Teach her appreciation. I’m not exactly quite sure where she picked this up- maybe David modeling it? maybe school?- but every time I serve her a meal, she’ll say thank you mommy for this delicious breakfast (most meals are still called breakfast around here). I don’t know how deep the three year old waters run, but I do want her to understand that I’ve put time and effort into her meals and that is something to be appreciated.
2. Attach no stigmas, good or bad, to food. This is something I put a lot of effort into. I really want to focus on that food is food, not a healthy food or a special treat food, just food. I serve broccoli the same way I serve a strawberry milkshake (that she had last week). I don’t think at three she really grasps (or cares) that a food is good for her, so I don’t use the ‘ol this is sooooo healthy and will make you strong line. I also don’t use the you must eat ABC in order to have XYX. I think this has kept her neutral on foods to the point that she doesn’t hold any of them on a pedestal. With the strawberry shake even, she drank some of it then handed it to me and asked me to save it for her for later.
3. Dinner is dinner. I do not make a second meal for her if she doesn’t like the first. If something we have is not appropriate for her (last night it was that the shrimp were spicy and she does not tolerate spice well), then I serve her something else of course, but if it’s just a matter of opinion, nope, not having it. Now, I’m not a total jerk and make sure her plate has things I know she likes/will eat (grape tomatoes) and will throw is one wild card item. For example, on the plate at the top of the post, the rice was the wild card and she ate about half of it.
4. No clean plate club. I’ve totally been guilty of saying you need to eat another bite even though it’s not something I believe in. She just gets so distracted sometimes and I feel like I have to, but I’m trying to catch myself and pull back on it. I ask her (ad nauseam) if her tummy is full. We’ve done it for long enough that I think she’s a pretty decent judge of it. She will tell me if she is still hungry, and if she insists she is full, then she can be done. I warn her there is no food later and that this is it, and if she stands by her full tummy, then I let her be finished. Has she asked for food 45 minutes later as she was going to bed? Yes. Did I send her to bed ‘hungry’? I guess you could say I did. If that happens I tell her that we will be sure to eat a big breakfast in the morning and a bigger dinner the next night.
Of course I also love the tips of getting her involved with grocery shopping and cooking. I also think it’s great to have her see me eating the same foods and enjoying them. And I try to avoid turning situations into a power struggle when possible. But perhaps the most important thing of all though? Consistency. I do my best to stay consistent with the types of food I serve, with the rhythm of meal time and with my responses to meal times protests.
Typing some of this out on a post makes me feel a little heartless and like a real stickler. I don’t know if how we handle things over time will change or if I’m even doing things ‘right’ right now, but this seems to be working for us. I’m a believer that kids will eat when they’re hungry and so far, that’s been true. I know I don’t have a classic picky eater, so I don’t mean this to across like I do, but I also don’t have a three year old who jumps up and down at the site of boiled squash. Like all aspects of parenting, each stage brings its own joys and challenges, and figuring out what works in regards to meal time has been quite an adventure!
What challenges do you face at meal time?
What has worked well for you in handling those situations?
Glenda says
Great post! I have worked with a lot of picky eaters in my professional like and now my almost two year old is on the verge of picky or as you say “opinionated”. All of the strategies you put forth are things that I encourage as well 🙂 I always try to put out a “wild card” item and every once in awhile I am surprised that my toddler eats it.
Also congratulations on the book- I did baby led weaning with my little guy and found there were very limited resources at the time. I think you may be superwoman having found time to write a book in between having two little girls and writing this fabulous blog 😉
Brittany Dixon says
Isn’t it amazing what they will or won’t eat on certain days? Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by the response to wild card item as well 🙂
It’s always nice to hear that others are having a similar experience and though every ounce of me wants to soak up that superwoman comment, I can’t do so with a clear conscious, as I’m dropping balls left and right today haha! That’s life though, right? Thanks for the comment!
Al says
I am also not a “clean plate” mom. But, I am a member of the “try one bite of everything on your plate” club and sometimes when I really worry enough hasn’t been eaten, I will say “two more bites of peas or chicken and then you can be done” for example. I also firmly believe in not being a short order cook. Mommy made a yummy, healthy, meal and this is dinner – take it or leave it. (I too, won’t make a meal with 4/4 things being ones they won’t like. I try to at least score 2/4 if not 3/4 items as “high potential wins”.) Oh – and – Together as a family. That’s another big thing For me… Family meal time as often as possible. All kids go through picky times (being independent) in eating, clothing, shoes, hair, etc etc….it’s all part of the game. My 6yo used to be a great eater, became “picky” for a bit and now is a CHAMP who asks for beets and asparagus!
Question – why don’t you talk about which foods are more healthy than others? We started doing that at about 3 because I wanted them to know that there IS A DIFFERENCE between fries and brocolli. Or milk and juice. And why we eat lots of “x” and not much of “z”. Just curious why you wouldn’t do that?
Brittany Dixon says
I admire how committed you are to family meal times. I strive for that and notice the girls eat much better as a family event, but often fall short of making it a regular thing.
As for talking about foods, I think I will introduce that concept down the line (closer to Nora’s age), but for now I don’t think Hailey understands the concept and I don’t want to group foods into healthy/not healthy in fear that she will start noticing a difference between a milkshake and broccoli (for example) and then preferring the unhealthy category of foods. Again, not sure if this is right or wrong, but it works for us right now. Since I can control 99% of what she eats right now, I just don’t have mikshakes show up as often 😉
brynn says
I love that you ask if her belly is full- such a great approach! Also one dinner is a huge time saver and great lesson for the wee ones.
Lindsey says
Love this post! My daughter is only 15 months but we do much of the same things. She eats what we eat, no special supper and if she doesn’t eat it I don’t make concessions. I think it’s important to do this early on. Though I always make sure there’s some stuff I know she’ll eat, like cheese 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
I think you hit the nail on the head with the ‘early on’ aspect! It’s probably what has made the biggest impact for us- starting early and staying consistent.
Katie Harding says
This is such a great post! My middle guy is 4 and he is for sure my pickiest eater, but I could not agree more with you, I hope one day we look back at how picky our eaters are and just laugh but for now it’s not so funny is it? 🙂 Love the idea of the wild card, I’m going to start trying it and see what happens!
Monica says
Right now, Harlow (2 next month) is beyond obsessed with blueberries, black olives, and macaroni and cheese. It is a struggle to get her to eat anything else! She would seriously sit and eat an entire carton of blueberries or a full can of black olives if I let her. I’ve had to resort to the old baby pouches to get any kind of veggie into her tummy! Even then, it is hit or miss if she’ll eat one.
Sabrina says
Lol! I sent you something last night about picky eaters, how funny!! When I think of a child who is NOT a picky eater, I think of Hailey. She seems to eat such a great assortment of real meals, despite what you’re saying above. The fact that she will eat a few bites of something before declaring she doesn’t like it – that’s totally awesome that she will eat least try it! I try to do all of the things you describe above, but over time I get lazy and end up making an extra main thing for them. I am working hard to break that habit.
Brittany Dixon says
I just saw that articles you sent- too funny! I can’t wait to read through it- looks like a good one. I love that you say you are lazy so you just make an extra thing because I consider myself lazy (or time-saving) so I DON’T make something extra for that reason. 😉
katie says
I don’t think you are heartless at all!! I don’t have kids, but I remember as a kid going to mcdonalds with my mom, cousins, and aunt. I was allowed to open my toy right away, and had orange pop, whereas her kids couldn’t have their toy until they were done eating and had to have milk with lunch. As a kid I appreciated the freedom my mom gave me (I’m also the oldest by a couple years, not sure if that swayed my mom’s decision). But now my cousins are much “skinnier” than I am. I tend to be more active, but have some extra weight that I don’t need. I don’t know that these things are correlated, so I think you should just keep doing what feels best for you and the family. I love the idea of encouraging a bigger dinner the next night so she doesn’t have that hungry feeling before bed.
Misty says
I LOVE this post! I hope to do similar things with my daughter (coming soon) when she’s older. I agree with the idea that kids should know that time and effort was put into the food they have in front of them and they shouldn’t be able to have something else just because they don’t like it.
Kath says
It’s so hard to practice what you preach! I agree with all of your list, and try very hard, but I do find myself resorting to “if you eat ABC you can have XYZ” from time to time because it works! If he knows he can have more of his favorite food or a little dessert, he will take 3 bites of a really healthy food and that means he’s getting more exposure to that food. But then I start to worry that I’m creating a bad situation with either the ABC or the XYZ!
Also, all meals in our house are also breakfast : )
Brittany Dixon says
Oh my gosh, if there is one thing I’ve learned in 3 years of parenting is that practicing what you preach is the hardest part! I’ve totally resorted to taking the easy way now and again too with all different situations (timeout, etc), but find that long term I get the best results if I stick to my guns. That’s why there is coffee and wine, right? To help us push on through? 😉
Kath says
Totally : )
Ashley says
I feel like I could have written this post (though not so eloquently). This is exactly how Emily is (down to the every meal being called breakfast). She’s not a picky eater – but very distracted and OPINIONATED. Glad to hear we’re handling it the same way – reassurance! The one thing I say to her when she LOOKS at something is “Try it you might like it!” She will usually at least try it this way. She rarely will eat it – but hey! progress.
Brittany Dixon says
I love the positive spin you put on it- try it and you might like it! I find presenting it like that helps to avoid the power struggle of TRY IT, followed by an epic meltdown of noooooooo 😉
Samantha says
I love all the tips! We subscribe to the same mentality and I don’t think you sound like a tough stickler of a mommy 🙂 Children thrive with boundaries and consistency and you’ve created that culture in your house–go mama! I’ve never thought of keeping the presentation of food neutral as opposed to saying that something is healthy. I love that idea!
Jen says
Are you familiar with Ellyn Satter’s work! She has wonderful, evidence based advise on the division of responsibility when it comes to feeding your kids. Basically, you are responsible for providing regular meals and snacks, but they’re responsible for eating (or not). And you don’t sound like a heartless stickler at all! You are doing a great job & are a great mom.
Brittany Dixon says
Oh yes yes yes I love that!! I am not familiar with Ellyn Satter but am going to google her now- thanks 🙂
Maria says
There’s a fantastic section in Intuitive Eating about this very subject (“How to Raise and Intuitive Eater”) and many of the points you make in this post are exactly what the book talks about. So not only are you handling a picky eater, you are also helping her become an Intuitive Eater, which I think is one of the greatest gifts you can give 🙂 To be honest, that section of the book was a little fuzzy to me (maybe it’s because I don’t have kids and didn’t really resonate), but your post helps make it a little easier to understand using real examples. I think I have 75% of your blog bookmarked for future reference!
Also, I’m very behind on my blog reading, but just wanted to say congrats again on the book (I cannot wait to read it!) and my thoughts are with you and the family as you deal with the unexpected news about Koda. So sorry to hear that and I hope she has lots of fun-filled days in the lake this spring and summer!
Erin @ Her Heartland Soul says
To me it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job! I hope to remember these tips for when I have kids one day!
Heather says
Thank you so much for posting this! My daughter is 15 months and we really struggle at meal times. When we put her in her high chair, we get repeated “No’s” often, even with things we know she likes. She does want to eat what we are eating, but not sitting in her high chair. She wants to get down, walk around a bit, come back and get a bite, over and over again! The only way I get vegetables down her these days is through a green smoothie! Unfortunately, her diet mainly consists of eggs, bananas, yogurt, black beans, and applesauce!
Kelli D. says
Love this! I have a 3 year old son and I often find myself saying you need to eat more ABC if you want to eat XYZ. I justify this approach as the “reward” is usually oranges or blueberries but I don’t like doing it.
Right now I am having trouble trying to get him to eat everything on his plate. For instance he will ask for more pot roast without eating any carrots. And if he even sees a piece of bread with butter he won’t touch anything else on his plate and asks for more bread. This is where I bring in the, if you eat a few bites of everything on your plate you can have more bread. I don’t like this path we are going down though. 3 year olds… am I right?!?
Brittany Dixon says
Oh, H does this too! Especially if strawberries are on her plate. She will devour them and ask for more without touching anything else. In this instance, I tell her, “of course you may have some more strawberries! Eat up your dinner and if you’re still hungry you can have some more.” I basically just try by pass the request, sounds agreeable and keep it sounding upbeat. She responds pretty well to it, though occasionally I’ll get an ‘oh mannn” begrudged response, but she still eats the other food.
John J. says
Consistency builds trust.
Kimberly @ Healthy Strides says
It’s nice to see that H is not a perfect eater! Is that bad? We struggle a lot with Miles, 3.5, manipulating us at dinner. He will ask to be excused and then immediately ask for a cookie. We do have to say that if you are hungry enough for a cookie then you are hungry enough to eat XYZ and still on your plate. Miles will also eat a lot of things at daycare that we might not serve at home (because my husband is picky) so I don’t always buy that he doesn’t like things. He gets what we get unless it’s too spicy and then I’ll make something different.
smith207 says
My son loves ALL food and is constantly hungry. Even as a newborn, he nursed every hour and a half with no end in sight. He loves broccoli as much as sweets, so for him we really have to focus on portion control and filling up on healthy foods first.
So yes, we talk to him about healthy food vs. special occasion food. It is nice that your daughter can hand that strawberry milkshake back, but there is no way that would ever happen with my kiddo. He cleans his plate every time, no matter what is on it. We are constantly saying “slow down”, “take one bite at a time”, “enjoy your food”.
Christy @TheMuddyApron says
My daughter is a really healthy eater. More so than us. We try to teach her the same things you listed. Now, she really doesn’t like tomatoes whereas before she loved them. She doesn’t like mashed potatoes either. Who is this kid? Well, I let her not eat those. That’s it. She has to try a bite of all things on her plate and sometimes she ends up liking them.
Example: I made this cheesy broccoli casserole thing. I looked disgusting but tasted so good. After one bite she loved it. Now I remind her of that time and she know the rules for eating. Otherwise, she wakes up starving and I too, refuse to make a second dinner meal.
Your little girl always looks healthy and happy so you’re doing something right and obviously setting a really good example.
C.
Mel says
Love your blog! It’s the first one I read every morning 🙂
The challenge I face is actually getting my 3 year old to stay focused at the table! We want dinner as a family to be a pleasant experience, but sometimes our daughter keeps getting up off her chair or is too distracted to eat. And then our happy family dinner becomes full of nagging…which I don’t want to do! It was much easier when she was strapped into her chair that clipped to the table!
My siblings and I have memories of being in the “long white beard club.” My dad would tell us that we would sit at the table until we finished our plate, even if we sat there long enough to grow a long white beard! My lovely mom would eventually take our food away. I knew when I had children that I wouldn’t use that strategy, and that I would want them to learn to interpret their own hunger signals.
Brittany Dixon says
Haha I love the long white beard club!! Ok, not the practice of it obviously, but how funny is that- so cute.
And you are not alone on keeping a three-year-old focused. It’s exhausting but I really just think it’s the age. I have this vision of family dinners full of smiling and talking about our days, but I really don’t think that happens peacefully until a few years down the road. In the meantime, you aren’t alone!
Danica @ It's Progression says
It’ll be quite a while before we approach eating with our child yet, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately actually. I don’t want to create any stigmas around food and I certainly don’t want to do things like you mentioned (“eat the rest of this and then you can have the cookie” or “oooh if you eat lots of this you’ll get big and strong”) – not a fan of those either. I think what you’re doing sounds great, and I especially love that you’re not labeling foods as “good” or “bad.”
Chantal says
My three year old is being, well, a three year old as well. She’s typically a great eater but she has her moments. Because she doesn’t eat A LOT, she eats like a bird, we do institute a bite rule. She has to eat X amount of bites of whatever is on her plate to get down from the table. Sometimes we have a caveat like… 4 bites of this, but ONE bite of broccoli too.
Jaci says
love this post!
My son has cystic fibrosis and b/c of this, food and weight gain is incredibly important for his lung health. For him, a proportionate weight equals good lungs!
He us only 7 months old, but we are already practicing a “no attachment to food” approach. He needs more calories than other babies, but I don’t want him to be forced to eat everything in front of him and miserable. If he doesn’t want to finish a bottle or his Mac and cheese, fine!
Your blog has been a big help and this post is right up my alley!
Hannah @ CleanEatingVeggieGirl says
These are awesome suggestions, and things that I hope to use with my own children some day. I especially like the idea of not labeling a food as “good” or bad” because it is, after all, just FOOD. To be 100% honest, these are tips that I think we could ALL benefit from, even as adults!
Amy @ Elephant Eats says
Love this post and these ideas and I’m totally going to use them on my son. I can’t wait to see what kind of eater he will be!
Julia @ LordStillLovesMe says
Talking about picky eaters made me remember something from my childhood. When I was lithe (3 or 4 years old) I didn’t want to eat chicken. Don’t know why, but I just was not having it. My dad would always tell me, “just have four bites Jules! That’s it!” Well… my parents would then talk about something that really interested me- butterflies probably- and I would become so enveloped in the conversation that I would end up eating all of my chicken! My parents said it worked every single time.
Now- I love chicken! Haha
I was curious at the fact that you will not give her more food after dinner, even if she is still hungry? Do you think it could ever be that she simply did eat enough at dinner, but now she is hungry once again? Obviously I am not a mother so I know nothing about feeding kids, but it provokes my curiosity as to why you would not feed her later in the night! Agh, and PLEASE don’t think I’m prying or anything (the internet miscommunicates EVERYTHING) so I don’t want to come off rude whatsoever. I just know that my own personal hunger fluctuates from day to day so maybe she really is hungry? Just a thought. 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Hey Julia! Total mis-communication haha!
I give Hailey as much food at dinner as she wants (and sometimes she can down a serious amount!). It’s the nights that she doesn’t eat much and is being whiny about what dinner is that I don’t make her something special after dinner. Trust me, the girl wants for nothing in the food department 😉
She eats dinner at 6 and goes to bed at 7 so we aren’t at the place where a bedtime snack is needed since dinner itself is at the time a snack would be. Hope that clears things up!