Based on the title of this post, you may think I am going to dive into a long monologue centered around how we moms should get out there and treat ourselves. While I certainly could take a ride on that train every now and then, the words “Mom comes first” are not from my mouth, but have been spoken by my dad for as long as I can remember. He still says the same thing today.
You might think that as a child, or even as an adult, these words might be hurtful or insulting. However, being that I’ve been on the receiving end of this phrase for 34+ years now, I can tell you that the exact opposite is true. Seeing how my parents love each other, support each other, and put each other first has given me the strongest foundation possible to build my life upon and I am so grateful for that.
Children have sensitive barometers for the tensions within the home. Sure squabbles are going to happen, but giving kids the gift of a strong love and real partnership between mom and dad can give them the safety they need to thrive and the reality check that they are not the center of the universe, which despite sounding harsh is a great thing in today’s entitled world.
This past weekend I got to go hang out with my mom and dad (and Grandma Betty too!). Watching how my parents love each other reminds me of the importance of my own marriage. It reminds me to take time to pour a glass of wine and chat on the back porch versus just flopping onto the couch to zone out with the TV. It reminds me that it’s OK, and even a good idea, to spend some time away from the kids as well. My family is my world, but it’s important to remind myself of who came first.
Mom friends, I’ve said it before- this is a busy season of life. Babies and young kids are demanding of our time and attention for the their most basic needs. The logistics of running a household can pile up. All of it can leave us feeling like we have nothing left at the end of the day. I know I’ve felt like this countless times. And though I’m not advocating for unrealistic expectations or faking a big, happy smile, I do believe in the power of a deep breath when you hear the garage go up, a smile and a kiss to welcome each other, and a few minutes of uninterrupted (meaning no phone too) conversation each day. Not everyday is going to look like a fairy tale, but keeping a focus on connecting each day with your husband, in even a small way, is not only adding another sturdy brick to your marriage, but to the foundation your kids will grow on as well.
It’s not easy when kids are always interrupting conversations and limiting the time you have just the two of you, but that just makes the stolen away moments all that more valuable and important.
Thank you mom and dad for setting that precedent, for the strong foundation you built for our family, and for being an example of what true love looks like. I know I am more fortunate than most to have your footsteps to follow in.
For more on this topic, here are some articles I enjoyed:
- You Should Put Your Partner Before Your Children
- Parents Will Raise Happier Children if They Put Them Second to their Marriage
- Are You Putting Your Marriage First? Ask Your Kids; They Will Tell You
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Do you agree with this idea?
How do you and your spouse prioritize each other?
JOHN J STATHAS says
Thanks, Brittany, for your loving commentary, and more importantly for passing on a belief, and practice, that I so believe in – “Put your marriage first”! And your kids will be just fine – like you and Kris. And, by doing that your kids will be fine, and they will pass on that family truth to their kids, and so on down the line. You are such a loving person and everyone that you touch is better because of that interaction. I know I am!
sherry says
As usual, dad says it best! He has made me number one in his world for 39 years–and he is number one in mine! You and David and Kris and Cara are now passing down the same values to your children. It makes my heart smile. Y’all are our great accomplishments! Love you and yours so much!
Laura says
I love that you guys make it a point to put your marriage first and think your kids will reap the benefit of that. I agree that Mom and Dad’s relationship needs to come before the kids. However, I don’t think I will share that with my kids, just demonstrate it in how we live. I do remember being hurt by the way my mom told me that my dad would put her first. It definitely made me feel less secure in their love for me. Perhaps it was the way in which she said it, but I’ve looked back on that vowing to never say that to my kids. I think it’s possible to demonstrate that our marriage is a priority without saying anyone comes first.
Thanks for sharing your experience because it is was interesting to read how yours differed from mine!
julia says
Agree. It was apparent that my parent’s were on the same page as your’s Brittany, putting their relationship as a priority, but I think I would have been sad to have my parents tell me this. It’s nice to just see it and have your parents demonstrate it, without needing to tell your kids the specific hierarchy. Although, I guess if it comes up in conversation, it makes sense to share your values and explain that you do this to make the family stronger.
Maria says
Exactly, I don’t think anyone should come first. A family is a team, love, attention and care should be given equally. Many times I see parents saying we put us first and kids are left with sitters during extravagant vacations & nights out. Trust me I’m sure we’ll all have time to enjoy each other when our kids are out with their friends alone in a few years. As sweet as this article is, which it really is. I believe focusing on the family unit makes children feel more secure.
Brittany Dixon says
I’m sure it can certainly be done in an unhealthy way or extreme. My experience was nothing but positive, as I’ve always felt very secure in my parents’ love for me. I’m so glad you found a way that works beautifully for your family too!
Brittany Dixon says
And same comment back to you 🙂 It’s good to hear how a method can be done well as well as how a similar tactic done poorly can cause hurt. I appreciate you sharing!
Alyssa says
I love this idea – with an almost 8 month old, husband and I were discussing recently how to make the most of our time together after he goes to bed. Unfortunately hubby leaves before he gets up in the AM and gets home usually 15-20 mins before bedtime so weekends we try to make whole family time, but we get an hour or two before we’re asleep when the baby is in bed, and we want to find ways to use that time to connect other than Netflix for an hour! We usually get at least an hour unless he has to log back on and work from home, and so often we zone out on the couch…
Brittany Dixon says
Some nights are made for bumming on the couch together and I think that can be sweet time together as well, especially right now when you have such a young baby (8 months- squee! Love that age!). For us I find it sometimes feels good just to break the habit and switch things up. Thanks for your comment 🙂
Jen says
We just did a bible study with our small group couples with the book Fun Loving You (available on amazon). It’s awesome and on this topic specifically.
Kelli Holtzinger says
I needed this post as a reminder. Camryn at 7 weeks requires most all of my attention right now but I could definitely do better at greeting David with a smile when he gets home. I think he’d really like that and maybe I’ll try to even throw a hug in there too. 😉
Brittany Dixon says
You’re both still deep in the throes of the “grace period” so definitely throw him a smile but certainly don’t add more to your plate than you can handle right now 😉
Lindsay Maddox says
Yes, yes, yes! I wholeheartedly agree with this, and was raised the same way. It still, to this day, does my heart good to see my parents put each other first and love each other well.
Erika says
I love this. It hit home on so many levels and gave me a huge a-ha moment. As simple as it seems, it’s difficult to make it a priority to communicate with your spouse and make time to just enjoy one another without kids jumping in the way. Thanks for the new perspective.
Lisa Faltenhine says
Great post and it’s so important to put marriage first and so easy to forget when deep in the season of having young kids. Young kids are very hard on a marriage however I think making your marriage a priority and having regular un-kid-interrupted conversations helps so much.
Also Its so cute and great that your parents always comment on your post…amazing.