Kaitlyn (currently three and a half years old) is an incredible combination of sugar and spice. She’s so freaking adorable I almost can’t handle it some days, yet she also has the ability to use her sass to put her foot down and an unsettling ability to lie straight-faced. Like most other toddlers, she’s no stranger to a tantrum.
Yesterday, for example, we decided to go to Jason’s Deli for lunch after church. However, for whatever reason, Kaitlyn just would not buckle up. It started with giggles, like a game, then turned into a full on power struggle. We eventually won the battle, but Kaitlyn spent the entire lunch tantrumming (it’s a verb) in the car while I ate inside with Hailey and David sat on the patio to watch over the car containing the pouting child.
I remember this age being challenging with Hailey too (then the switch flipped at four and a half) so I’m embracing the threenager stage for what it is- a phase. It can be frustrating to deal with a stubborn child that you can’t reason with, so in the peace and calm of the in-between, I remind myself of what works best for handling tantrums so when the moments arise, I’m ready for them.
Stay calm.
Calm is a super power. The first thing I do when I see things starting to escalate is inhale deeply and exhale slowly.
Be patient.
Parenting is not something that can be done quickly. Knowing that whatever we are trying to do (get in the car, put shoes on, get to bed) is going to take longer than originally anticipated is something I try to accept right away in order for me to not to get incredibly frustrated by it. I always build in a buffer of time to whatever task we have to do, usually about 15 minutes, because being on-time is super important to me, but sometimes tantrums happen and being late is inevitable.
Let them have space to calm down.
It’s like hitting a big pause button. Once I take a deep breath and realize the task at hand is going to take longer than anticipated, I’m in a better mindset to handle the situation. Since I know reasoning and teaching can’t be accomplished while a child is hysterical, I give them the time they need to chill out. This means they may need 10-15 minutes in their room, or 25 minutes in the car while the rest of us eat lunch (ahem, yesterday).
Talk it out in simple terms.
Once she is calm, we go over three things in simple terms: what happened, why it was not a good choice, what a better choice for next time would be. We talk about our feelings and I remind her that we (myself included) are responsible for our actions no matter what we are feeling. Example: feeling frustrated is ok and we can talk about that, but throwing a crayon at me because you are frustrated is not acceptable.
Resist empty threats.
I have kicked myself for making threats that I then had to carry out. I’ve said I’m going to turn the car around in a moment of frustration and when she called me on it, guess what I had to do? Turn the freaking car around. So annoying! Because of this, I’m always careful what I threaten, because if you make a threat you sure as heck be ready to follow through.
Let it go.
After the calm and the teaching, it’s time to let it go. This takes real effort for me, but holding a grudge because of their behavior is unproductive and confusing for the child.
I’ve certainly lost my cool here or there, but for the most part I follow these steps pretty closely. I’m not a screamer by nature, so that helps, but believe me, I can turn that sharp I mean business mom voice on it an instant. A couple things to note that also make a big difference:
Schedule and sugar. I have found for us that most tantrums spur from these. If we’ve been out of our routine, I better just hold onto my hat because both girls are going to be a little crazy. And call me a stickler about sweets if you want to, but sugar turns my kids into crazy people, so though we enjoy some cake on a birthday, it’s definitely an “occasional” food in our house. Keeping both of these things in check make a major difference in how smoothly our days go.
Be a united front. All these tips are well and good but if David and I weren’t on the same page, it would all be for nothing. I’m a big believer in discussing parenting styles and coming up with a system both of us feel good about then sticking to it. We also stick to whoever doles out the punishment is the one that has to follow through with it so there is no good cop bad cop.
What tactics work best for handling tantrums in your household?
If you have more than one child, do you have different approaches for each kid?
Cassie says
This is such a timely topic for me. If my 2.5 year old senses I want to hurry, it’s over. So my mantra the past few weeks has been, you’re not in a hurry. Giving her a little extra time normally takes care of most problems. However hungry, tired, or even slight aberrations to her schedule also contribute to meltdowns. I can’t eliminate these all the time but I try to keep it mind as I’m navigating our day.
Brittany Dixon says
Such a great point, Cassie! I agree, if my girls can sense I’m rushing or frustrated, then the whole process is more of a headache.
Rachel says
We are past tantrums here with an almost seven year old, but we still have times where we don’t get along (of course!). I am a big believer in the ‘let it go’ motion. In fact, when my girl was tiny, we started the ‘hug and a kiss and start again’. Once everyone is calm, we hug, kiss, and quite literally, start again. The argument is finished at that point – we don’t revisit it. I find that the hug resets us both, and we know that can we can move forward after that. It’s simple, but I really find that an active ‘end’ to an argument, and a hug to start fresh, is really helpful for both of us.
Brittany Dixon says
Love this so much! I think a hug is a great way to start fresh too. Thank you for sharing!
Erika says
I am really intrigued by the idea that sugar could be a culprit for tantrums…my 3.5 year old can really throw us for a loop from time to time, but I hadn’t thought about the connection with his food. I would love to hear you expand on how often your kids get treats and what you consider treats since I have so much to learn! Just last night I had made brownies to take to a party (not for kids), but he saw one and wanted it and we caved. Maybe that led to the really tough bedtime…
Brittany Dixon says
I think baking and trying brownies is awesome! We just made a carrot cake last week for David’s birthday and the girls licked the icing bowl clean!
For us, we can notice a strong correlation between sleep, sugar, and TV usage and both girls’ behavior. I know every kid is different, but if we prioritize sleep, keep the TV off except for 1-2 times a week, and keep true desserts (cakes, cookies, etc) limited to birthdays/celebrations, then our kids are pretty even-keeled (as far as kids go ;)).
Maggie says
I would love to know what tantrums look like in your house. When my 3.5 year old breaks down she just cries. cries and whines…then more crying. It drives me nuts. The big ones come when i tell her no or that she cant have/do something (no she cant have crap for breakfast…yes we actually have to get dressed for the day). I try so hard to communicate and explain why but honestly she is crying so hard and loud that she cant even hear me lol. Her speech is a little delayed and she is very emotional so the two together is a nasty combination. It takes so long for her to calm down that when i go back and discuss it she just cries more and it becomes a big cycle. Getting out the door is very difficult and really starting to run me down in the mornings. Then when she gets to preschool she is perfectly fine and calm
Brittany Dixon says
Hey Maggie- oh man I’ve been there and it is so exhausting! I tried so many times to parent through the tantrum but found it didn’t do either one of us any good until she was calm. For mornings, I found they run more smoothly for us when we pick out clothes the night before and give ourselves plenty of time (it seriously takes my kids 30 minutes to eat breakfast some days) because if I have to rush them, it raises everyone’s stress level.
As far as tantrums, I imagine they look at my house like they do at everyone else’s- crying, screaming, flailing arms- the works 😉
Elizabeth says
In no way am I a perfect parent, but a big part of discipline in our house is setting expectations. I tell my kids how I expect them to behave, and tell them that if they disobey they will be punished. We do this frequently before we go places. This helps eliminate a lot of bad behavior before it starts because they understand what we expect of them (e.g. going into a store and only buying what we set out to purchase, going to a movie and not buying the candy, getting together with friends and having good behavior, etc.).
Schedules/food/exercise all have a direct correlation to my kids behavior! Thank goodness it’s Monday (they’re back in school and doing activities with friends) and the weather is nice!!
John J. says
Well outlined. An excellent plan/method of handling discipline issues when needed. Parental agreement and consistent execution are super important. You and David do it well.
Erin Thompson says
Love the last tip-the parent that sets the punishment has to carry it through. Definitely going to use that one with our 3.5 year old. Thanks! I’m a long time follower (but I rarely comment) and I really appreciate the thought you put into your blog posts. You can tell you really put time and energy into writing them 🙂
Brittany Dixon says
Hi Erin, thank you so much; that compliment means a lot to me! <3 Thanks for reading!
Laura says
Great suggestions! My four year old tantrums if he is feeling under the weather. Right now, with a 1 year old and 4 year old I feel like I am in the eye of a hurricane. As I see the tantrums subside with the 4 year old, I know what is coming with the 1 year old! I think I saw the worst tantrums at age 3 with my oldest- at that age tantrums are so physically exhausting and emotional for the child (and sometimes the parent at well). My one year old “tries” to tantrum, but at this age I can’t help it, it is just sometimes too cute (although I try not to laugh)! Those tiny fists hit the ground with a shrieking “no, no!”.
Tanya says
I’ve learned that not every bad behavior must result in a consequence, at least when they are young (2-5years old). Sometimes they just need a gentle reminder. I sound crazy 90% of the time but you can hear me saying things like “hands are not for hitting” or “toys are not for throwing” and “voices are not for screaming.” This tip came from a book but just giving information helps me stay calm and remembering they are young and need reminders prevents me from being frustrated All.The.Time! Also, just giving really short commands like “Shoes!” when we need to get out the door or “Toys!” when I want them to clean up or “Food!” when I want them to focus at the table. Toddlers rarely need a lecture but just a reminder of the rules.
Erika says
This is a great tip! We just got into a more regular disciplining routine (using 1-2-3 Magic) but I think sometimes we could just do a reminder instead of dumping everything into the camp of bad behavior. I’m going to try more gentle reminders. Thank you!
Alyssa says
I’ve started following the Instagram simply on purpose and she is a great parenting role model as well. She occasionally does no yell challenges about taking the time to step back and recognize what your kids are feeling too in those hard times. She also recommends family meetings so everyone knows what’s expected and role playing hard situations with your kids when they aren’t stressed so they know how to better handle their feelings when they are! Great one to follow of anyone is looking for a super interactive parenting account..
Brittany Dixon says
I will check that out- thank you for the recommendation!
Shauna says
My daughter is 3.85 years old and you really struck a cord with me when you said your 3.5 year old can lie straight face- yes!!! Mine too!!! And I feel like a terrible parent- what do you do about this?? I would love all the feed back I can get because I get conflicting messages about what to do.
Brittany Dixon says
I’m still figuring it out myself to be honest! We have a lot of conversations about honesty and the importance of trust. Of course there are other times where I go straight to “and if I ever catch you lying to me, (threat threat threat)” though I’m not sure I recommend that! LOL!
Katie says
Thank you SO much for writing this! We are starting to get in the thick of it right now and this is so helpful.
Kelly says
Hi Brittany! This post came at the perfect time as I wade through life with a 19 month old who thinks he is 3 and a 3 year old who is a full on threenager. Unfortunately, my husband and I have yet to really figure out a consistent way to deal with tantrums/bad behavior. He is more prone to time outs and I am more of a “let’s talk about your feelings, you are frustrated because of x,y,z.” Occasionally it is more like, “YOU ARE FRUSTRATED BUT I NEED YOU TO STOP SCREAMING/HITTING YOUR BROTHER, ETC!” which rarely works but we all have our moments. When it comes to bad behavior, what I have found to be most effective with my three year old as of late is to try to focus less on negative behavior and to recognize her “good” big girl behaviors as they happen. “You put on your shoes when I asked! Good listening!” “You helped your brother with his jacket, thanks was so nice!” “You got dressed for school all by yourself, what a big girl!” “You got into the car so fast today! What a big help!” My daughter loves to feel big and independent and I have found recognizing even the smallest “good” behaviors has really helped to cut down on the negaitve behaviors. Now, if I ask my daughter to put on her shoes so we can go, she more often than not just sit down, do it and respond, “Mommy, I’m listening!!” very proudly.
I say all this knowing full well that my spitfire of a 19 month old will probably need something completely different to help corral him in the future but I will takes my wins as they come because we moms know they can be few and far between!
Hilary says
Do you have any book recommendations for this? I am really struggling with my 4 year old. Thanks!
Sara says
A good tip is to learn their triggers. If every time you go to look at the toys in a store they throw a tantrum because they can’t have one, don’t take them there. This can be hugely importsnt as it can also help you notice if the tantrum is from them being overwhelmed or something else.